27. We're at that age where, if our friends aren't getting married, getting pregnant, getting middle management jobs, or getting mortgages, then they're splitting up and starting over. And just like drinking heavily, break ups get harder as we get older. In my early years of drinking, whiskey would be killed with only half a day wasted in a hungover state. Now, if I have more than 3 drinks, I'm useless for the next two days. Same with break ups. I used to be able to walk away from relationships with no more emotional wounding than "damnit, I left my Led Zeppelin cd at his house." Now, it's been almost 7 months and sometimes I get so mired in the "what ifs" that I feel like I'm in an especially terrible Katherine Heigel movie.
It's harder to start over because we are no longer dating hood rats we meet at bars. We're dating best friends and contemporaries and people who complement us in a way we can't readily recognize. But that doesn't always make it right. And while I know the decision I made was the right one, that I wasn't ready for any of it and it was only getting worse, I sometimes struggle with reconciling what it all means. Like, beyond him and me, to what it really means--the questions that tug at every piece of brain and heart and First World Feeling at 4 AM when I can't sleep.
But, the questions are good. Questions lead to more questions, leading to epiphany, leading to change. Probably not tomorrow, but sometime soon.
So, I'm doing it. Between the questioning and bad moods and bad decisions and over sleep, I'm moving on. It helps that I have a great group of people who listen to me no matter how much my broken record skips. And if I had the serious travel money to get out there and take my friend out for a drink, tell him a couple of really terrible jokes, eat some shrimp, and tell him it's going to suck, it's going to suck for a long time, but it won't suck forever, you sure as shit know I would.