Saturday, December 31, 2011

First and Last

So, 2011 is coming quickly to a close, and I'm rounding out the year the same way I came into it: slightly hung over, in my pajamas, with a basset hound at my feet.

But it's been a huge year.

I moved to North Carolina.
I moved in with Addie.
I got a "writing" job.
I finished NaNoWriMo.
I baked a cake and made icing, all from scratch.
I bought a new computer.
I learned how to change a tire.
I felt older. Much older.
I drank copious amounts of French Press coffee.
I finished the first act of my manuscript.
I learned lots of valuable drinking lessons.
I re-established old friendships.
I made amazing new ones.
I mostly finished my t-shirt quilt.
I made this blog.
I learned how to kill spider crickets with bravado and badassery, instead of tears and screaming.
I congratulated my sister and two of my best friends as they all got engaged in a 2 month span.
I drove so many miles.
I went on a million tiny adventures.
I was propositioned by a swingin' couple at gay male strip club.
I grew my hair out into a white trash lion's mane.
I conquered Asheville.
I lost 10 lbs, and then gained 20 more.
I stood up for myself.
I got to visit all my far-flung homies.
I paid off 2 student loans and my car.
I said goodbye to some good pets.
I said goodbye to some amazing co-workers.
I said f*** off to Northern Virginia traffic.
I ate about 67 lbs of Naan and Tikka Masala.
I finished quite a few projects.
I watched almost 500 hours of truly mind-boggling bad reality television.
I wrote over 100 pages of material.
I learned how to handle constant hydroplaning.
I learned that absence does, in fact, make the heart grow fonder, and I now I have a bigger, much more awed perspective on friendship and family.

It's been a good year.

holidays exhaust us.

Onward to 2012!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Almost there!

The only thing that stands between me and 12 glorious days of vacation is a short day of work, which will probably be a wash since I'll spend it getting ready for our little office Christmas Party.

I probably shouldn't be so excited to go home, because I go home fairly often, but geez. Going home is fantastic.

Reasons Why I Love Going Home:
  • Lucy
  • my friends/family
  • unlimited napping
  • my Mom's cooking
  • I won't be at work
  • OnDemand
  • Vietnamese food
  • I won't be at work
  • it's where I left my favorite Christmas movies: Home Alone and Gremlins.
I also figured out how to get my Game of Thrones books on my iPod, and I got ABBA's greatest hits album for like $2 the other day. So I'm dreading the idea of 8 hours in a car a little less. Except today, of all days, is the day my uterus has decided to make my life a living hell. Ah, well.

Happy Thursday Before Christmas!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

First Ugly Christmas Sweater Party

Addie and I were invited to our first Ugly Christmas Sweater Party last weekend! I'm about 150% sure I was more excited for this than Addie was, as I'm a not-so-secret-mouth-breathing-nerd and I own lots of ugly, old man sweaters (it's true. Just ask any of my friends about my "Embarrassing Old Man Sweaters in Public" phase from age 10-20). However, I didn't own any ugly, acrylic Christmas sweaters.

And there was a competition for Ugliest Sweater.


But despair was quickly dashed as I remembered I live within walking distance of a Goodwill, and that I live in the Mountains, in the South, in a town full of Trust Fund Hippies.


I spent an embarrassing amount of money at Goodwill buying the tackiest bright red, sweater tube dress, the grossest, grassiest green skirt, an Urkel sweater for Addie, and a shit ton of gaudy and cheesy ornaments to decorate them with. And when Addie got off work, he was brimming over with new found inspirado for his sweater (which was surprising--I thought I was going to have to fugly his sweater), so we went out to get supplies for him.

And when he was just about to checkout, Addie uttered this game changing statement:

"I'm really surprised you're not doing a Hanukkah sweater. After all, the best part of Christmas for you is Hanukkah."

and it struck me. I am all about Hanukkah. What was I thinking?

*Side Note:
I'm not Jewish. In fact, I'm half Southern Baptist, half Methodist.

I can't remember when my preoccupation with Judaism started. I think it started when I first learned about the Holocaust back in elementary school, because I can remember checking out books on the Jews from the media center and getting weird looks from the kids around me.

But I think I fell in love with the Jews when I was in high school. Back then, my brother Shayne worked at this restaurant called The Woodside Deli in Rockville, MD. Rockville has a really big Jewish population, and The Woodside was a big Jew Hub. I loved it, and we would trek out there all the time for food and culture.

Also, around this time was when I realized that most of my favorite screen writers, actors, comedians, directors, and producers were Jews. I started giving out Hanukkah cards to my friends for Christmas. I started getting presents wrapped in Star of David wrapping paper. My parents bought me an electric menorah and demanded that I hang it up in my window because my room faced the street:
my room, circa 2005

But my weird obsession with the Jews increased ten-fold when I moved to Long Island for school, and 9 out of 10 people assumed I was Jewish. I guess it was the sarcasm, large nose, dark hair combo? And later when I was in Fairfax, going to Mason, I had successfully convinced a few people that I was Jewish without even trying. I loved it when Charlotte converted for Harry on Sex and the City. Hell, my blogspot ID is audreykosher.

So I've had a thing for the Jews. They're awesome. They're full of history and tradition and culture. They're Chosen.

*end side note

So I spent more money on crafts to make the Ugly Hanukkah Sweater (I got to return the clothes to Goodwill, but not the ornaments. boo) And when we got home, we got hard to work. And we stayed up til 4 AM, scalding our fingers with hot glue while making our sweaters.

Addie's adorable ugly sweater, complete with Whoopie Cushion Santa and purposely misspelled "birt day"

the little cake just kills me

as does the drunk grin on the snow man. The reindeer were kids socks that we cut up

pipe cleaner menorahs, foam letters, felt dreidels, and SoD

"It's like a 1990's Hanukkah exploded all over you"

these guys scratched/snagged everyone who walked by me that night. plus they look like spiders o_0

the back

my earrings were actually wine glass caddies that my sister in law Jess made for me a couple years back


I'm really sad I didn't get any pictures of Addie in his finished sweater, but we all know how fatally allergic Addie is to having his picture taken. And I didn't get any pictures at the party because I was too busy snagging my menorah's on ugly sweaters, chatting up funny people and eating the biggest and most delicious spread of food I've seen at a house party--seriously, my co-worker and her husband know how to throw a party.

Alas, neither of us won the Ugliest Sweater title. Here's the kicker--a girl in a red tube dress covered in gaudy ornaments did. ARGH THAT WAS MY FIRST IDEA!


But it really doesn't matter, because the party was great, and we all had a fantastic time, so everyone came out a winner. Even Bart, who somehow got into the closed oven to eat the treats we stashed in there on purpose so he wouldn't get to them.

Bart carnage
our only guess is he used the towels hanging on the rack as a pulley, and that's how the door opened. It makes sense, as he's done that before with the fridge at Addie's parent's house. Damn Engineer Hound. It was totally one of those moments where I couldn't even be mad at him, because I was just too damned impressed.

Just like Ron Burgundy and Baxter.

Friday, December 16, 2011

First Long Week

I've had the longest week ever.

My boss has just been insufferable and my job feels like a shit-stack again. I'm trying really hard to figure out what's worse than working with a bull headed old man who suffers from constant low blood sugar. It's like riding a manic roller coaster without a safety harness to strap you in. Every time he calls my name I want to curl up in fetal position. It's usually so he can fuss at me for something relatively pointless.

No I didn't know you needed that file because that deal was made 6 months before I started here and I didn't even know you were working on it.

I'm sorry I wrote a check for the Coke guy. I won't next time.

I'm sorry I didn't write a check for the Coke guy, but you told me not to. Ok I'll ask next time.

I'm sorry I asked if I could write a check for the Coke guy.

I know, automated phone menu's are so impersonal, and stress you out immensely. Want me to deal with it so you don't have to? No? You want to be in control of buying a server you know nothing about? ok. I'll just sit here ineffectually while you scream at "Billy" in India some more about how America is going down the tubes.

Do I have to stay and watch all twenty minutes of this sprawling guitar rifff acid rock you tube video? I have 700 projects you've given me to finish and I don't want to stay until 6 again. I do? ok.

Needless to say, every single fiber of patience and understanding has been fried away this week. I know it's December and we're broke so he's feeling more stressed than ever, but COME THE FUCK ON ALREADY. So last night, I decided to slow things down a bit and make some comfort food: casserole cookies, steak and potatoes.

What's a casserole cookie? It's chocolate chip batter with every sweet thing in baking pantry thrown in, and because I'm lazy, I just dump all the dough into a 9x13 pan and bake it. So it's like a casserole. But it's a giant cookie. Got it? Good.

Buuuuut, I forgot about the best part of making casserole cookies is that you have a GIANT bowl full of cookie dough. And there are few deserts that I love more than home made, raw cookie dough.

And while I normally reserve one of the beaters for myself,

fuck salmonella
and one for Dog,

Dog approves
I found myself remembering the baking rule my dad taught me when I was a kid:

"for every pan of cookies you make, you get to eat one spoon full of dough. that is The Baker's Rule."
Suddenly I remembered how depressed I've been all month, so I decided to take The Baker's Rule very seriously.

But since I'd only made one pan, and therefore would only get one spoon full, I decided that to amend The Baker's Rule to the size of the spoon full will be dependent on the size of the cookie made on the pan. And I made a Giant Cookie:

So gleefully, I ate like, half the bowl of cookie dough.

I had probably 5 servings total
And I was so happy. So happy gaining 15 lbs in my awesome apron:

But 2 hours later, when I was sitting at the table, staring at the perfectly mid-rare, slightly charred, delicious smelling steak I worked really hard on, sitting on the plate next to a pile of whipped garlic and chive potatoes, and I experienced no sensations of hunger, no sensation of desire, I felt it. I felt it in the deep pit in the stomach of my soul:


The Baker's Rule had betrayed me. The Comfort Food Gods had led me astray.

I choked down a few bites of steak and potatoes, all the while feeling like I was going to burst at the seams like that Guy in Se7en,

because it's blasphemy to deny a perfect filet and there was a principle at stake (hah, pun)

I went to bed feeling utterly disgusting. Well, I didn't go to bed so much as I passed out because all the blood rushed from my brain to my stomach to help digest the horror I put it through.

Lesson learned: sadness and cookie dough don't mix--no matter what chick flicks tell you. I swear. I'm like, one cut-out Cathy cartoon taped to my fridge away from being Really Sad Girl. 

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

A Day in Text Messages

8:45 AM
Staying home today
and they gave you codeine cough syrup?! JEALOUS
feel better!

11:30 AM
me: I need a small hot chocolate with a shot of espresso poured in.
barrista: so, you want a mocha?
me: no, I want a small hot chocolate with a shot of espresso poured in. {so hold the attitude, and my dick while you're at it.}
lol, what's the difference?
a mocha is made with gross chocolate syrup and has 2 shots of espresso and steamed milk. hot cocoa is made with cocoa powder and hot milk. and sure enough, she made me a mocha >:(
lol. white people problems.

1:04 PM
dog and I found a Hardee's double cheeseburger in the mircowave. how old is it?
uh... like, last week? you abandoned a dbl cheese how dare  you
you let me forget it! today is a sad day...

1:57 PM
The title of today's blog post will be "How I Unintentionally Dressed Like a Butch Lesbian and Other Things that Happened in This Day of Stupid."
lol what the fuck are you wearing? :)
button down tunic shirt, vest, what I thought were skinny jeans but they're big boot cut jeans stuffed into mid-calf "biker" boots. I topped the look off with slightly greasy hair that's only presentable if it's thrown up in a bun, and no make up. Apparently, I got dressed in my sleep. In the dark. In 1991.
i still love you :)
my boss told me not to come to work looking like a 1st grade teacher anymore.
probably good advice.

(for reference, this is what I looked like)
too sloppy to even be ironic.
4:45 PM

6:46 PM
thanks for the $10! I was able to get my scrips. My xanax and I thank you from the bottom of our nervous little heart.
happy to oblige!

Ugh. This has been a completely ridiculous, long day. From my inability to do clothe myself properly, to not being able to focus or do anything right at work, to my downward spiral of bitchiness (at one point I cussed out my auto correct as if it were a person). This day was just not meant to be.

Time to veg out with Teen Mom 2. 

I'll worry about being classy tomorrow.

Monday, December 12, 2011

First North Carolina Football Game

Yesterday, we had our Company Christmas party in Charlotte at the Panthers Vs. Falcons game.

I don't know anything about football, nor do I care about football. In fact, my dislike for football has been well documented. But the offer of a free catered tail gate party and killer seats was enough to get me excited.


I learned the hard way that a free catered tail gate party and killer seats does not change the fact that an an outdoor football game in mid-December is an outdoor football game in mid-December. Our tent, and our seats, were completely out of the sun, and it was FREEZING. Like, toes freezing to your socks cold.

Eventually, we all abandoned the tent (foraging back only for drink refills and hamburgers and shrimp skewers) in favor of the sun and the propane heater. Speaking of which--I held my gloved hand close to the heater part and almost caught my glove on fire. It was literally starting to smoke. Thank God there were responsible Adults around to babysit me. But yeah. We were standing around the heater, bull shitting and drinking wine and having a good time. It took me back to the days of gathering around tiny space heaters at winter horse shows.

We couldn't take any of the very expensive booze package into the stadium (rip off), so by the time we found our seats, and I got semi-warm and still, I fell asleep. For two and a half periods. And then the Panthers lost. Aw well.

So to sum it up: Good food, Good company, Crappy weather, Crappy sport.

to the left, you can see a game of Corn Hole. Lots-o-fun.
Some of the tasty food
me (freezing) with our Social Media Guru (also freezing)


my team spirit (also, my ginormous ass)

Desperately Seeking Heating
Addie the Shrimp Devourer

the view from our seats (note the intense shadow we were sitting in)

an exuberant fan who spent most of her time blocking our view
And for once, I wasn't the drunkest person at the party. Not even close. So yes. Good for me!

Also, I put up a little bit of Christmas in our cellar: the countdown to Christmas calendar that my family has had so long, I can't remember a Christmas without it.

It's fitting that it's the only decoration I have up right now, since it's the only Christmas decoration I've ever cared about. My mom forced me to take it home, even though I was adamant that she keep it so Grey and Neve could enjoy it. But, I'm glad she won that fight, because I really do love looking at it.

It's felt pieces glued onto burlap. I love it so.
it's fun :) and speaking of fun, yesterday my mom caught this fantastic picture of Lucy:

Mom said Lucy was staring at herself for a long time. She's adorable.

Also also, I can't stop watching this video:

And I need this on  t-shirt

Aaaaaaaaand that about does it for this randomy post. Cheers!

Saturday, December 10, 2011

First Rambly December Blog

So it's been super quiet here.

I go to work. I drink lots of coffee. I bull shit with my co-workers and send out proposals. I address hundreds of Christmas cards.

I have really nice handwriting.
I come home. I put on sweater boots and watch Breaking Bad and Madmen. I read magazines.

I bundle up in my amazing fur coat and I help walk the dogs at night. I love how cold it is here. It's a pure, crisp, "almost about to snow" cold that freezes the tips of my fingers and makes my throat and lungs hurt when I breathe in too deep. It's fantastic, but only because I know I have a warm cellar to sleep in.

I take a super hot shower, eat something processed, and try to write for a couple of hours. 

Around midnight, I pop a few melatonin, and I go to sleep. Wake up at 8:30 AM and repeat.

So yeah, quiet.

I was up til 3 AM today, cleaning. It was a 12 hour process and I still haven't vacuumed. Our vacuum sucks, so I put it off, even though I'm happiest when the floors are clean.

I saw a hay bale sitting in front of the "Tint Barn" in downtown Hendersonville. My first thought was "when those get wet, they'll mold. And then they'll smell." Then I remembered back when I was 11 and hanging out at the barn 24/7. I was helping to feed the horses. I cut the baling twine off a hay bale, and the bale stayed intact--usually a sign that that bale is moldy, as a fresh hay bale will usually fall into flakes. I pulled the bale apart and a cloud of stink erupted. The inside of the bale was white and grey with mold, and it held in so much heat that it was literally steaming. It was disgusting and fascinating all at the same time.

I would never put hay bales outside my store front.

Downtown Hendo is beautiful at night, with all the trees lit up with Christmas Lights and the horse drawn carriage rides and the laughable Occupy Hendersonville protests. I've been doing a lot of Christmas present shopping for my family, even though it totally doesn't feel like Christmas. Speaking of present shopping, Santa gave me a "Customer Appreciation Day Sale" at our local Goodwill, and I bought myself some much needed cheer:

I am so excited about these pillows. I might go back and get the other 4 *smirk*

This awesome hand made mug:

action shot!
This kotchzke shelf (I've always seen these around and I've always resisted buying one. Well, for $5, I was finally sold). It's about 3 feet high. It's awesome.

This pretty picture:

Fun note: the back of the print says it is manufactured by Turner Designs
And this guy. I saw it when I first walked in and was oddly compelled to hold it. I walked around the store with it, and couldn't put it back down. I put it on the bookshelf and I can't stop looking at it. I love it.
I can't tell if it's a horse, a giraffe, a llama or a unicorn.

lookit dat faaaace
And I've decided that every room can be improved about 500% if there is a sleeping dog in it:

Dino-legs Bart

the incredible shrinking Lilly

Tomorrow is my office's Christmas Party at the Panthers vs. Falcons football game in Charlotte. And even though the idea of going to a football game usually makes my eyes roll back into my head, I'm actually excited about it. Because we're taking a PARTY BUS to a rented HOSPITALITY TENT TAILGATE PARTY with CATERED FOOD and OPEN BAR. Then we get to watch the game from nice seats. We have a butt ton of people showing up. It should be fun.

But, more on that tomorrow. For now, it's back to slacker Saturday.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

First wompwomp

Addie: What is this "For persons over 15 years of age" warning on my Band of Brothers bluray?

Me: Um, that's the British rating system. It must have been for sale in the UK.

Addie: Nice. Maybe I have the limited edition British edition.

Me: Ohhhh... is it [singing] "For British Eyes Only?"

Addie: ... I don't get it.


Oh, Arrested Development. I link you to every possible life situation.

Monday, December 5, 2011

First Awesome Dress of December

Yeah, not to be a dick or anything, but I've been acquiring the most awesome dresses lately, and I can't help but share them.

Granted, a couple weeks ago, I spent WAY TOO MUCH money online shopping, and only 2 of the things I ordered fit me, so the rest of it is going back, which in the long run, is a good thing (unless someone out there wants to buy said stuff which will be returned, that'd be awesome, since it will save me the hassle of having to ship it back and wait 3 weeks for a refund).

ANYWAY. Here's the awesome dress:


I'm in love with this bodice
So cool. AND! Knee high nubuck leather boots:

Can I just say how over joyed I am that casual, short heeled boots came back into style and are now being mass produced? I remember in 2005 searching for MONTHS only to find one pair, and I nearly wore out the soles. Now I have like 5 or 6 pairs and I can wear boots all winter long. It's exciting.

And as soon as I find the perfect pair of slouchy ankle boots, I'll be totally set.
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