You'd think I was allergic to money by the way I get rid of
it as soon as it hits my grubby little hands. I mean, I'm so bad with money
that I took out my first credit card when I had no job and no savings and thusly, no
way to pay it off should I ever accrue a balance. And, as I was at the time an
unemployed 19 year old with no credit history, I was granted a $3,000 limit,
all at the low, low APR of 18.4%! (not kidding)
I told myself that I'd defy my instincts and
be a responsible credit card owner. The kind who absolutely only uses their
credit card for dire emergencies, and then pays the entire balance off when the
statement comes in. And for months, I stuck to this belief. I didn’t use my
credit card, and I felt like I was on a path to bigger and better things.
That is, until, I used it—one time—to buy dinner. And I
opened Pandora's Box.
Five years, four cards, and almost $14,000 with interest
later, I finally had my ludicrous debt paid off and all the cards cancelled—all
but one. One, that I for some reason kept open. Possibly for emergencies. But
it's amazing how you can convince yourself that getting 10% off a knock off
designer dress that you'll likely never wear but maybe one day you will and
besides no one has it so you'll be totally cool is totally an emergency
situation.
So once again, I opened the Credit Card flood gates, and
once again I am struggling between the Guilt and Anxiety of Unresolved Debt and
the Exhilaration and Undeserved Smug Satisfaction of Compulsive Shopping. And,
as I sit here, only vaguely employed, shopping for a Mac Book Pro on one of 3
computers that I already own, listening to the credit card and its available
balance beckoning me from its deep freeze burial pit in the basement freezer, I
wonder what better things I could be doing with my money. I could be…
- Taking
out all my money in $1 increments and setting it on fire, one bill at a
time
- Transferring
the money I would spend shopping to my SEP/IRA
- Putting
my basset hound on doggy anti-depressants so she'll look happy in pictures
of her that I post on Facebook
- Getting
a gym membership so I can work off my dinner of champagne and cupcakes
- Buying
my way onto an episode of True Blood
- Re-taking
my GRE until I get a drop dead sexy score
- Printing
poster sized pictures of this Nic Cage smile and hanging them on the
bathroom mirrors in my friend's houses while they're away:
- Taking
my car in to find out why the check engine light has been on for the last 6
months
- Screw
that, just buy a car that won't breakdown three times a year
- Putting
the money I would spend shopping toward extra payments on my student loans
- Taking
a wine tasting course to make my drinking habit appear less a problem and
more an academic pursuit
- Moving
to a remote, primitive jungle and fighting and scavenging every day for
survival
- Donating
to worthwhile charities (and not the Help Audrey Shop at Urban Outfitters
Fund)
- Hosting
a Homemade Mac-N-Cheese Cook Off
- Taking
classes or getting certifications that will help make my English degree
seem less arbitrary
- Investing
in my writing career by stocking up on booze and street drugs
- Buying
postage for hand written letters of apology to all those people I drunk
dialed
- Staying
current by dying my brown hair 50 shades of grey
- Adopting
a litter of hairless kittens and naming them after Jurassic Park characters
- Going
into some kind of Compulsive Shoppers therapy
