Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Did I Do That?

I've been pretty brain dead these past few days. 

I can't wake up on time, can't remember to put my car in first gear when I stop, can't brush my teeth without dripping toothpaste down my dress, can't stay awake during conversation, can't keep track of what I'm writing after a few sentences, can't comprehend anything my supervisors try to teach me, can't figure out why I feel like a greasy pile of fail (oh, right, because I ate a large pizza all by myself). Like, this has been me since Friday: 

And, as I'm trying to fill this post out, I don't know why I even started. I have even less to say than usual. It's definitely not "baby brain" (unless being pregnant with a pizza baby will make me act especially special). Maybe I just need to go to bed early tonight.


Be back soon, everyone! I have a whole stack of riveting topics like, the state of the internet, the new bed lifts I installed, RuPaul, and my job, or How to Tell If You Are a Gov't Employee. Hold on to your butts, guys.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Thanks for the time at home, KHAAAN!

Ice Storm Khan, January 2013.

haha, so I definitely think naming winter storms that aren't blizzards is pretty ridiculous. But, naming this ice-mageddon in a manner that makes me think of Star Trek awesomness is pretty much Tops in my book.

But yeah, it's pretty cold. Like 25* and not getting any warmer cold. And there are workmen re-tiling our front hall, so they have all the doors open, letting frozen tundra inside. I'm dressed in about 65 layers. Even the animals are huddling together for warmth:

Thanks to our terribly ineffective HOA, our neighborhood didn't get plowed or salted yesterday, and as as result, the roads are all covered in black ice. So I'm working from home today, which is awesome. Mostly because it means I get to stay in bed catching up on Boardwalk Empire while I do document research. But, mostly I'm happy because this morning I got spared the terrible "Getting Ready for Work When It's Freezing" routine.

You know, that routine when you wake up motivated to take a shower, but as soon as you get out of bed your feet freeze to your socks and you instantly put on another t-shirt and a hoodie, fat pants, a hat and those ridiculous slippers that you'd never admit to owning in public but that keep your feet almost too toasty? But after sitting down with your coffee you realize that showering is important because you have to be in public today. So you convince yourself to get upstairs, get undressed and get in the shower, and suddenly Life is Glorious. Standing under the hot water, it's all good. But then the shower is over and suddenly you're covered in a sheet of ice. So you run back to your bedroom and pop under the covers to stop the hypothermia from setting in, except since you've gotten out of bed your warm spot has been replaced by ICY COLD SPOT so you have to bear a few moments of arctic temps. And then, when you've cocooned yourself for 20 minutes longer than you said you would and you're now officially running late for work, it's time to get dressed. So you have to do slowly de-layer yourself, taking baby steps so that only one part of you is undressed at a time, or else you'll get frost bite? And can we talk about the joy of pulling cold pants over cold, dry skin? It's like pulling silk the wrong way up wood grain.

ok, maybe all of that's an exaggeration. And yes, just two weeks ago in Sydney, getting ready was a terrible ordeal because it was so hot, as soon as you got out of the shower you started sweating again, so you'd have to stand in front of a fan for like, half an hour, and even then, no matter how well you dried yourself, you stuck to your clothes.

Well, what we can take away from this entire post is I'M NEVER HAPPY.

Except on work from home days.

Back to the grind.

Thursday, January 24, 2013




Bright, clear, bitterly cold morning at a busy suburban intersection. It is rush hour, cars are everywhere.


AUDGE PODGE, twenty-something girl with noticeably bad hair waits at a stopped traffic light. She is bundled up against the cold, breath visible as she rubs her hands together for warmth. She is listening to a recording of John Mulaney stand-up.

                                                                     AUDGE PODGE (v.o.)
                                   fffffffffffffffffffffffff it's cold why isn't the heater working
                                   it's been on for twenty minutes and the air is still luke warm
                                   I can't afford to take it to the shop AGAIN why does everything
                                   I buy always break I should just get a new car But no I don't want
                                   to make payments again FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF it's so damn cold
                                   I hate going to work this light is always way too long why am I
                                   always so full of hate in the morn--OH I LOVE THIS BIT

                  AUDGE PODGE turns up volume, laughs to herself, rubs hands together again.

                                                                    AUDGE PODGE
                                    Oh, snap! I actually have gloves!
                AUDGE PODGE digs through purse, removing items such as a sandwich in a
                ziplock bag, Kindle, hair brush, phone, paperback Starwars book, before locating
                a pair of bright red cotton gloves.

                                                                    AUDGE PODGE (v.o.)
                                      I love red gloves too bad my coat is purple I need a long black
                                      wool duster with a fitted waist and maybe a military style collar
                                      no I always end up hating those I guess I'd be happiest with a
                                      double breasted collar that converts

               AUDGE PODGE puts on left glove
                                                                    AUDGE PODGE (cont.)
                                      to a military collar and I could like snap it over on the side
                                      if I were feeling fancy and then I could get delicate red
                                      leather gloves that end just at my wrist oh damn that'd look
                                      so fucking cool
               AUDGE PODGE puts on right glove
                                                                   AUDGE PODGE (cont.)
                                       eugh what's that--
              AUDGE PODGE shifts hand around in glove. Small, black SPACE INVADING SPIDER 
              shoots out, over wrist, runs up jacket sleeve.

                                                                  AUDGE PODGE
                                      AGHHHHH NO FUCK FUCK FUCK!
                                     (followed by loud stream of indecipherable swears and curses,
                                     shrieks and wails)
              AUDGE PODGE with lightening fast speed, ripping off glove and screaming,
              cutting her hand with her nail in the process. She is frantically squirming
              against her seat belt, desperately trying to get out of her coat.

COMMUTER, older man with a mustache, listening to Elliot in the Morning (probably) glances to his right. Look of shock crosses his face when he sees AUDGE PODGE violently thrashing and wailing in her car.                                    

                                                               AUDGE PODGE
                                        AGGHHHHH GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT
                                        FUUUCKKKK AGHHHH!!!

AUDGE PODGE finally escapes her coat and is beating her right forearm as she knocks her foot off the clutch and stalls out, her car jerking back and forth and making the sound of a dying Transformer. Stalling car brings AUDGE PODGE back to reality. The stand up recording plays as she looks down at her sweater and scowls, shudders. She looks to the light to see it has turned green. She re-starts the car and moves forward.

                                                               AUDGE PODGE (breathing heavily)
                                            Goddamnit, Wednesday.

Euuughhhhhhhh. I'm still shuddering. What a terrible way to wake up. Also, I never found that spider.

I'll let you know in a few weeks when/if I errupt in spider babies.

Spider: 1
Audrey: 0

Monday, January 21, 2013

Happy Day Off Day!

 Happy MLK, Jr. Day/Federal "I DONT HAVE TO WORK TODAY" Day!

Also, happy second term birthday from all us "liberal hippie English Majors" (as my dad likes to call me)

It's National Day of Service, so I loaded the dishwasher, took out the trash, and took Mary to get our nails did. /patriotic

Living so close to DC always makes me want to go to Inaugurations. However, living so close to DC allows me to understand that it'd be 18+ hours of traffic and waiting in 30* weather with a shitty, shitty view, so it's just better to stay in a clean my room and watch the live feeds.

Go America!

Thursday, January 17, 2013

New Jobs and Terrible Weather

I'd say I'm adjusting to Big Office Job as well as any other 13 year old.

While there's nothing wildly exciting about the job itself, the people are amazingly cool, and I get a butt ton of sweet benefits and a decked out work station that's right next to Kate the Awesome. Kate the Awesome is one of the funniest, coolest women I know (plus she got me the job so big ups), so it makes me look forward to going to work.

Oh, and paychecks. Those are making me look forward to work, too.

But apart from that, there's been very little going on in these parts. It's been rainy and grey for the last 6 days, and I'm really starting to feel it. It's like the universe knows I just want to sit at home and write, so it gives me perfect sit at home and write weather, and then is like HA! TAKE THAT, AUDREY and laughs at me, because I have to go to work. Which is the opposite of sitting at home and writing. Which is whack.

I guess I have adjusted to being back home (it only took a week, ha), but thanks to the weather, my new job, and Feelings Monster, shit's been looking pretty grey. To give you an example,  today, I caught myself thinking, "This shampoo smells amazing. If it isn't as good as it smells, I'm going to kill myself."  

Don't let me down, guys

They keep calling for snow to start *ANY MINUTE*, but the skies remain stubbornly free of frozen precipitation. Snow or Sun, weather gods! In fact, for the first time ever, I'd choose sun over snow. I just want to roll around and nap in a fucking field while getting a sun burn.

In the mean time, though, I'll take a shower beer and season 3 of Downtown Abbey and passing out mad early.


Sunday, January 13, 2013


While I was on vacation, I had the following chat with Mary:

Mary: Got a story to tell you.
8:04 PM Bill Purray, most likely is a hermaphrodite
8:07 PM me: Haha, I can see that. What makes you think so?
8:09 PM Mary: The vet said. He was feeling around and couldn't feel balls. So he flipped bill over and couldn't find a penis.
  HAPPY NEW YEAR! Your cats a hermaphrodite!
 me: Couldnt find a penis?
8:10 PM Really?
  Could he just be a girl?
8:11 PM Mary: Yup. Tried to push it out and said he has a vulva.
 me: So he's a girl
 Mary: With a ball sack
8:12 PM me: An empty ball sack
  And a vulva
  No penis
 Mary: Yup. He said that if bill goes into season in the next couple months we will know.
8:13 PM me: Whoa! How awesome!
 Mary: Only you!
 me: I have a science cat!
  Ms. Purray

So, hey, that's something--my Bill Purray, a hermaphro-cat! I'm pretty sure it has something to do with him being an in-bred stray, but he definitely has female and male parts, is aggressive like a male, and pees likes a female. It's my own little she-malé.

Not gonna lie, I'm pretty excited about this. I need to join some kind of trans-gendered kitty fan group. Then I can be a P-FLAG mom like Debbie from Queer as Folk and put a bumper sticker on my car that says something like "my cat's other penis is a vulva."

"Genitalia is just God's way of accessorizing."

Oh, Bill Purray. I'll never judge you. 

Born this way.

BRB, gonna go pick out some work clothes for the new job I'm starting tomorrow, and do some research on transgender kitty groups. The excitement never stops!

Friday, January 11, 2013



Ah, Sydney.

I had an amazing time. Actually, that's an understatement. I had one of the best, eye opening, inspiring, freeing experiences of my life. I've heard the phrase "The memories will out-live the debt."  And holy shit, they've never been more applicable. It was more expensive than I had planned, and the weather was brutally hot (100*+ and swamp-ass humidity), but I still cried on the day I left.

After my 8 hour layover with Leah and William, I boarded the plane and discovered I had an entire row to stretch out and sleep on. I ate my in-flight dinner, scored like, 7 mini pillows and 3 blankets, took a xanax, and slept like a baby. Around 5:30 AM, the flight attendants woke me up for breakfast, and I saw one of the most jaw-dropping sunrises in my life.

Australia is beautiful. The sky is bigger, the water is blue-green, the streets are clean, and even the graffiti looks like it was professionally commissioned. We went to 2 zoos and an aquarium, where I saw so many kangaroos and koalas (both incredibly lazy) and sharks (big and small). We even saw a platypus! And I came face to face with a huntsman spider, which was thankfully in an exhibit (huzzah--Audrey: 1, Australian Spiders: 0). We lost money gambling. We brown-bagged it through the streets. I painted dude's toes. I forgot to pack enough socks. I was defeated three times by kebabs. I ate kangaroo. I heard "g'day" 5 times. I tromped around town. No one asked me to see my "kno-ife." I learned how to bun my hair. I met amazing people. I ate round, flat bacon. I watched too much British television. I wore shorts every day.  I tried Vegemite (I'm pretty sure it's made of sodomy and bad feelings). I drank expensive scotch. I shared many an awkward inside joke. I had a fabulous time.

And even though I only had a camera phone, I tried to capture it the best I could (and finally, I had an excuse to use my panorama function!) So here's a smattering of the billion pictures I got.

racist coin banks (I'll fore-go showing the really terrible ones)

classy bitches.
brown bagging it through Sydney

drinking by the river
me and Odicus

Odie's roommate, Joel, caught this with 360* camera abilities. Stupid Fancy iPhones and their amazing picture times.

Drinking by the river was followed by midnight kebabs and watching the stars from behind the Harbor bridge. What a fantastic night.


Sydney's Sea Life Aquarium is one of six aquariums in the world that have manatees.

I got to pet this giant stick bug under her thorax. It felt like baby skin. It was weird. And awesome. #YOLO

New Years Eve
we watched fireworks from a cricket field. We also saw a dude finger bang a girl he was with. They were standing basically in the middle of the field. More surprisingly, a pair of cops walked past the bangin' couple, and gave a girl peeing beside them a $300 citation. Go figure.

New Years Day mimosas

it was so hot on New Years Day, we filled the tub with cold water and had a sail boat party

mine was the SS Tiger Blood (the only one that didn't sink, mind you)

surprisingly, the only wild spider encounter I had. Thank you Baby Jesus.

main building on the University of Sydney campus


Soul Eating Clowns

China Town

graffiti errrrrrrrywere
day drinking and ukulele's

Joel winning big at slaps

Rozelle Markets

New Town tracks

the Star Wars bar that would not open. Despair.

gorgeous water

looking smug on the ferry

on the day we decided to Zoo it up, it was unmercifully hot. All the animals were miserable.

Some of Sydney's awesome architecture

Manly Beach, also incredibly beautiful. I made the mistake of watching Jaws the night before we beached it up, which meant it took Odie an hour to convince me to go shoulder deep in the water. As soon as I did, a wave basically knocked my swimsuit off. Whoo hoo!

I could live here.
baby Hats in the water
corner beach bar


Love. We schlepped for what felt like hours in 100* heat looking for a particular bottle shop. Once we reached it, it was Heaven.
My last day. Holy balls, was it hot. Shortly after I captured this, the power went out in the apartment. The walls radiated heat, the poster tac melted off the wall, and I lost 15 lbs just sweating. I'll never complain about NoVA's summers EVER again.

melting poster tac.
In summation: loved it all, would visit again. Even though my flights home were awful (3 hours sleep in 21 hours of flight time), and I slept from 1 AM to 5 PM yesterday and have thusly stayed up all night so far (it's 6:30 AM), and I'm all travel-whacked and wander-lust bitten and generally nuts, I had quite the time.

Moral of the story: take an impulse vacation. Go get your groove back. 
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