Sunday, July 31, 2011

First Bele Chere

Addie and I went to our first Bele Chere Festival today!

Even though I woke up with a red wine hangover and the mentality of "Fuck going outside," I managed to take a shower, get dressed, leave the house, get a speeding ticket (HO YEAH WINNING), find parking, and get to the Purina Ultimate Air Dogs show like 8 minutes before it started. hell yes.

After 20 minutes of watching dogs jump for distance into a pool (omg I love big, water loving dogs. Love them.), we walked through the streets filled with vendors, saw some great bands and musicians (including Skinny Legs and All, which not gonna lie--I watched only because I'm a Tom Robbins fan), watched the Big Gay Guys do loud street performances directly in front of the Jesus Hates Fags Guy who was preaching with a Mega Phone,

they were almost everywhere. Hilarious.
(next year, Addie wants to set up a "Mega Phone" stand next to the crazy religious guy. We'd rake it in.) drooled over the food courts, drooled over the hand-made $250 hippie bags (ok, that was just me), and actually came to an agreement on like, 50 different pieces of art. That's a new record.

It was an awesome crowd of rich, redneck, ghetto, homeless, hipsters who looks homeless (Addie's and My Favorite Game: "Homeless or Hipster"), and old people. And even though there was a shit ton of crowds, it was easy to maneuver and way more accessible than Artscape in Baltimore.

And it's in the middle of Downtown Asheville, which is one of the prettiest cities I've been to.


I'd definitely go again. Except next time I'd go with money. Assuming that next year, I'll have money. Yeah. 

Other than that, it's been a blessedly lazy weekend (unlike every other weekend, which is only mildly lazy). There was a lot of this going on

Wirrrrre. And Project Runwayyyyy.
and this

muchos editing (in my Fat Pants. whaddup)
becoming this

aww right
I'd been editing/writing for a solid four hours before my DVD player started skipping too much for me to handle (it's like, 10 years old. Probably time to retire it.), so writing night turned into this

a more subdued approach
And somewhere along the line, I drank too much developed a wee case of writer's boredom.

Now, at least for me (and kinda for Addie, too) there's a definite difference between writer's block and boredom. Writer's block involves a lot of tears, lack of will to live, depression, processed food eating. Boredom is just me working for hours in Super Focus Mode, and suddenly just cracking. Like, I usually don't realize it's boredom until I'm so damn tense that I snap at Dog for breathing too loudly.

1. Change scenery. Go for a walk, run an errand, do something for a few minutes that's not writing. I went out and stood by my car for a few minutes. But I heard a creepy noise and ran back inside, lest I get raped by North Carolina Mountain Men. Or eaten by demon baby.

it could happen.
2. Change scenery again. If you can, write in a different area. I'm lucky to have 2 functional computers, and one semi-functioning computer, so I could have 3 work stations if I need them. And if I were so inclined, I could commandeer Addie's 2 computers and 1 semi-functioning computer and have 6 WORK STATIONS. Not that I've ever done that. That'd be weird. Right?

back to the Futon.
But moving didn't work, so I went back to the desk.

3. Break out the costume pieces. I'll put on gaudy scarves, shetland sweaters, and even a ridiculous pink tutu in order to drum up some inspirado. Yes, I look crazy, but it always works. But my most favorite: BIG ASS EARRINGS. Like, tacky shit that I'd never wear in public.

super tacky
4. Get a snack (also works as "change of scenery", combining 2 steps in 1. Look at you, multi-tasker!) Preferably something disastrously awful for you, like a toasted cheese sandwich. How do you make a toasted cheese sandwich?
  • spread about 3 tablespoons of butter on 2 pieces of white bread each (the cheaper the bread, the better. I recommend 7-11 brand)
  • place one piece of buttered bread, butter side down, on the toaster oven rack
  • place 2 pieces of full-fat cheese on the bread. 
  • place 2nd slice of bread, butter side up, on cheese
  • toast until golden brown, or until you feel your arteries harden
  • you can slice a tomato as a side, but that borders dangerously on "healthy", so it's best to ignore it. unless the tomato has been sitting the fridge and has become mealy, in which case, bon apetite!
  • enjoy. rejoice in the fact that a toasted cheese sandwich beats a grilled cheese any day of the week.
5. Facebook stalk until you become weary of being one of those people who, at 3 AM randomly comment on posts by people they don't ever talk to. 

Now. This is a process that works for me. If you have any further tips, I'm totally welcome to them.

oh, and I'm starting Fast Food Free August tomorrow, on account of me leaping into my late 20's in 2 weeks (OMFFNGGOD), so I had a Bon Voyage of what would turn out to be terrible choices for a fast food bon voyage, including a Taco Party Pack from Taco Bell.


I don't know why I can't make good decisions anymore.

Anywho, off to eat more soggy gross tacos (pride) and watch more Wire and do some general winning before failing at work tomorrow.

Hooray weekend!

Saturday, July 30, 2011

First Week

Well, I've had a full week at work. Huh-zaaaa.

to celebrate, I'm drinking real fancy like.

Addie also made steak fries, steak and fried eggs for dinner. So I'm keeping it like, extra real tonight. And by extra real, I mean, extra fat.

And now: Time to dish about work!

It's weird. Like, really weird. In my interview, I was told I'd be making marketing books and materials and such for this super cool recycling program. And on my first day, my supervisor told me, "You'll mostly be writing proposals and equipment quotes for the salesmen."


But, after three days of doing absolutely nothing--apart from writing a fundraising letter for the sports program of a college I've never heard of (right up my alley!)--I finally have a handful of real writing assignments. And as such, I have reached a new level of skull-ripping boredom in my work. It's a lot of reading and research, because I have no idea how to make the engineering side of eco-cycling sound awesome and sexy. Because people want to fund things that are awesome and sexy. Apparently.

So, enough about that. Let's talk about fun things, like how awesome my socks are:

how awesome? so awesome.
And Fat Pants.

What are Fat Pants? They're any pair of super comfortable, super comforting, and incredibly well loved pants with a draw string waste, no zipper, and (optional) pockets. Fat Pants don't judge. They're not pretty. Or expensive. And most importantly, they're loose fitting, so they don't cling to any exceptionally out of shape body parts or protrusions, so you get the delusional delightful experience of slightly less than low self-esteem. Basically, when you put on the Fat Pants, you're Fat with Awesome.

They're the clothing equivalent of opiates. And just like opiates, Fat Pants Abuse can be detrimental to your health. For instance, if you move to the South and are unemployed for 4 months and you wear nothing but Fat Pants in order to revel in their Fat Pants Awesomeness, you might not realize that you're gaining 15 lbs and you might lose all confidence in everything you used to be good at and start spending your days watching the Hills drinking wine and then wandering around Ingles muttering about the NO CALORIC DIFFERENCE between sugar free and fat free Blue Bunny Ice Cream but oh the sugar free has a prettier carton but I like the idea of fat free better and NO I WON'T BE A SLAVE TO AESTHETICS and damnit MadMen has ruined my life.

this totally happened to someone I know.

I have about 7 pairs of Fat Pants. And as soon as I'm done with my day, the Fat Pants are on. They're mostly old sweat pants I've stolen from Addie, and extra long flannel jammy pants that I've stolen from Dad. When I was a teenager, my Fat Pants were scrubs the that I stole when I was hospitalized, but between Christmas my senior year and Christmas my freshman year, I got too fat for those Fat Pants. Sigh.

I don't have any pictures of me in Fat Pants. Because the bond between my Fat Pants and myself is just too sacred.

aaaaaaand suddenly I'm ridiculously tired. Probably because I'll Makered out. Mmmm.

I'll end with an awesomely adorable picture I found of Lucy:

Luuuuuuucyyyyyy! I miss her.

Also are you watching The League? You should be.

Oh, and Addie inspired a comic that the super talented Will brought to life. It's lolderful.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

First Break Through

So last night I finally started cracking through my writer's block. And by that I mean, I sat down with the print-outs of my first 11 chapters and did some serious editing. And some serious outline re-writing [AGAIN]. And I would have started like, actual writing, but by 2 AM I had that shitty "hmm.... better get to bed, because I have work tomorrow" realization, which is like throwing a really awesome party and having the cops come in to break it up. 

Oh yeah, I'm starting day 4 of my job... and let's just say, I'm happy that, in this shitty economy, I have an air-conditioned job that's 10 mins from my house, and doesn't involve a drive-thru window. And I am getting paid to write original content. I'm not in a place to judge the job yet (oh, but I am. hard core), and I really shouldn't until I actually start working, after I replace the guy who's leaving.

Anywho. Big plans today! I'm going to the library to see what's up. I can't remember the last time I had a library card that wasn't school issued. I do, however, know that I've had In Cold Blood checked out of the Provinves Library since like, 2001. But that's ok, because it's on Cara's account (ohhhhsnap).

breakin the lawwwww

It has that old Library book smell, and that plastic cover that makes the best crackling noise while you're reading it. It's great! Hahaha.. I just flipped through it and found the phone number of this awkward MP who tried to date me during my senior year of high school. And a 10th grade picture of me, Cara and her fishnet clad high school boyfriend. Oh lord. ;)

I used to always stash stuff in my books. That way they'd be like mini-time capsules. Earlier this month, I lent some horror books to Addie's sister Shelby, and found coupons from the Marley Station Chik-fil-A and a receipt for coffee from DuClaw at Arundel Mills. I need to go through them all see what else I can find.

Speaking of Shelby, she and I went to this audaciously expensive craft fair in downtown Asheville. Holy shit, I'll never be able to afford a cabinet full of unique, handmade dishes... but I totally want them. Afterwards we had a beer lunch and hung out for a few hours, shooting the shit, which was awesome.

ugh. before it's time to start getting ready for work, I'll leave you with this week's favorite song:


Saturday, July 23, 2011

Favorite things (another Year of Firsts edition)

Addie, books, Dog, pretty pillows
phones with cool camera filters

super smug self-portraits and super great hand-strung necklaces
 I bought this bead set at AC Moore for $4, thinking that it was a full necklace. Nope. So after a very unsuccessful hour and a half of trying to tie both ends of string to safety pins (what was that going to accomplish, exactly?) I took the beads to Addie's mom, who I always forget is a Beading Mistress. She re-strung and hooked all 780+ strings in a day in a half. Addie's mom is a Beading Champion.

new favorite necklace

back to writing.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

First Day!

Long time, no see, blog! How I've missed typing you full of useless dribble very important information about how completely awesome and triumphant I've become how much ass I've been kicking dragging.

But, hark! Good news! Addie's been churning out writing like a mad man. He's taking a break from his book and is instead concentrating on his side project of short stories. They're basically incredible. I laugh so hard it makes my stomach hurt, and they're really fun to read. I've been contributing a little, but really, he's just been working his ass off on them. I love watching him work and write and really get taken away with it. He has the sexiest focused look I've ever seen on a man who isn't Don Draper or Timothy Olyphant. I could watch him write or play video games or figure out which is a better deal on block cheese all day oops I'm a creeper. Besides. Inspiration is sexy.

This picture will have to suffice--until I can catch him off guard.

Also, amidst the epic 5+ week piss-n-moan fest I've been muddling through, I got a job. Essentially my employment has boiled down to the fact that I a) snagged the first interview slot; b) showed up to said interview; c) could read and write; and d) "the last girl who did this job was a tall red head so I think you'll be fine." [quote from the boss]

After an awesome week of working and de-compressing at our respective parental homes, we came home just in time for my first day as Marketing Assistant Extraordinaire at a little company about ten minutes away from our house. I spent the week psyching myself up about it. Getting paid to write! Getting paid! Getting to wear jeans and chucks to work (standard Audrey Uniform)! I even got my crazy blonde toned down in order to look more professional.

so sophisticated.


So my first day was today. Underwhelming, and not just a little bit awkward.

I'm trying to convince Neurotic Audrey that just because we're working in an office again, doesn't mean I'll waste another two and a half years of my life coming home every day drained and un-motivated. I guess I haven't put enough distance between myself and my 6 years of being a stalled-out Admin. So we'll see how it goes. But most importantly, I'm employed. And good god, Audrey, it's only 4 or 5 hours a day--in the afternoon. Get over it. There will be food in my fridge, a roof over my head, netflix in my mail box, and most importantly, a satiated Sallie Mae.

I love going back home. Like, waaaay too much. But to be honest, I'm really looking forward to not having to cram myself into the Focus for another 14 hours (at least not til the holidays). Like, the idea of having a regular schedule of work, writing, sleeping, work, writing, sleeping is pretty damn appealing. It's going to be great to really get into a groove... could explain why this past month I've been so frazzled.

Oh and here are some pictures from the trip that I downloaded off my droid before its slow, painful decent into senility.

oh, Bart...
reading binges and Bart

how Bart travels

my bunk mates!

an unsupervised little kid had set this up in the AC Moore aisle. Too cool.

Lance's cat, Buffy


poor broken leg-ed mouse at the colonial farm

my drunk baby

my dad's old baseball team shirt from Ft. Hood. I'm so confused.

part of me earning my keep: organizing my mom's fabric

And then the droid crapped out and there was no more picture taking. D:

Alas, I got a new phone. And it's really great. Dare I say, incredible? (hahahahaha, it's an HTC Incredible 2. I'm so funny!)

and in case you were wondering, this is the background:

My mom also found this cool shot of my dad and me on the day they moved me to NC:

dueling gas pumps

alright. there is Wet Hot American Summer to be watched, wine to be drank, and Sookie Stackhouse to read.

And tomorrow, there will be Harry Potter 7.2, and drinks and writing and merriment. And weekend. Eff yeah.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Things I love (the First post)

Things I love:

  • movies
  • parody
  • post-modern editing
  • falling into the blackhole of YouTube
I was initially going to blog about writer's block, and how I blame everyone and everything around me for distracting me, like a Super Jackass. Basically, I turn into Jack Torrence in The Shining. So, to illustrate this point, I searched YouTube and found the perfect example:

(Also, sub-list of things I love:
  • Jack Nicholson
  • Stanley Kubrick
  • Drug-addled Stephen King)
But then, I found an awesome re-cut of the trailer, featuring The Scissor Sisters:

(sub-list 2 of things I love:
  • gay disco music
  • The Scissor Sisters
  • bands with clever names)
I wish whoever made it had finished it all the way. Regardless, I'm pretty sure it's my new favorite music video.

And then I started scanning through the re-cuts that came up in the side bar:


(sublist 3:
  • Hubert Selby Jr
  • Lux Æterna
  • John Hughes)
And this:

(sub-list 4:
  • Bill Murray
  • psycho-thrillers
  • Harold Ramis)
And this:

(sub-list 5:
  • aliens
  • 1980's Spielberg
  • scary movies that are actually scary)
Whatever. ET scarred me for life at a very early age. So did Gremlins. And The Goonies. Way to go, Spielberg.  

And speaking of things that are scary: living toys

Alright, I'm done. I could post about a million more of these, but I'm sure I'm already on the verge of becoming one of those mouth-breathing creepers who does nothing more than search YouTube all day, and I should like. Not encourage that.


Some Awesome things I've failed to mention that happened this past week:
  • I had another visit with Krista and Nich! Krista and I were winners who knitted and watched quality trash TV, and then ate taco salad and played with this awesome cornstarch/water mixture, wherein I learned the wonders of Non Neutonian fluids (i.e. liquid that remains a liquid until pressure is applied to it, and then it becomes a solid.)
             and we also played dress up with their dog, Boomer:

  • Champion Spider caught like, 4 spiders in his web the other day! 
I grow more scared of this guy every day.

  •  My Parents came to visit! They brought my futon, so I can complete the Audrey Perch. They also scored us an outdoor table, so we can eat and write outside when the weather's awesome. And they let me tag along and mooch a free breakfast at the Bed and Breakfast where they stayed. I wish I would have taken a picture of the eggs I had, because they were life changingly good.
Perch, phase 1. Dog approves.
our camouflaged outdoor set. can't wait for the next grill night!
Perch, subdued
               I kinda spent like, 16 hours yesterday nested on the new futon, reading, napping and     watching the Harry Potter marathon. It's awesome. My parents win for life. Oh, and we didn't go to the rib fest, because it was like 100* and too expensive. We ate delicious seafood instead.
  •  We've had a lot of rainy weather
Addie, now available in Poncho variety
dog does not approve
  •  ever have a dream that you're having a panic attack, and then you wake up hyperventilating and sweating like you're actually having a panic attack? ohmigod it sucks.
And uh, I guess that about sums it up. This week, we're going home for work. Straight up work, and hopefully some calm-down time. I've been in some dire straits for the last month, so I'm hoping some good comes my way soon.

Also, sorta related, after hours TV started while I was reading last night, and a Joel Osteen program was on. He was preaching about being weary, and looking to God for a second wind. Have you ever seen Joel Osteen?

Living in Favor, Abundance and Creepiness
He definitely has this leary, pedo-bear air about him. His voice has this lilting Southern Falsetto quality that makes me think he's going to sell me volcano insurance. And he's what I pictured every Fellowship of the Sun preacher to look like.

the size of his "church"
Terrifying. Even though the sermon was pertinent to my life (that's a sentence I've never uttered before, btw), I was way too creeped out, and proceeded to change the channel.

aw right, back to more slacking off/job hunting/writing attempting/sookie stackhouse book devouring...
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