Friday, August 31, 2012

so... see ya, August?

wtf, when did it become the 31st of August?

It absolutely feels like yesterday I was packing for Vegas (ie. it feels like August just started). Holy shit, time flies when you're busy/hungover every weekend (August had a lot of celebratory nights, ok?) on top of helping set up a wedding.

And it looks like this month will no doubt fly by as well. Whatever, though. The weather cooling off ever so slightly, and I noticed last night that it was much darker at 8:45 than it normally is, and pumpkin spiced everything is being shoved at me in every store and restaurant I go into, and there once again is blonde in my hair, which means fall is coming! Huzzah!

Have a good start of the month, folks! As for me, I caught a second wind and actually felt well enough to be productive today, including going to the gym for the second time this month, and researching grad schools that I probably won't get into. Finish off strong, guys.

I couldn't find a pen. Clearly, I'm unprepared.

 And to celebrate the weekend, enjoy this from Thought Catalog: 19 Things You Say You'll Do This Weekend But Never Do

Except I always do #13. 

I'm off to color dinosaurs with Kristin and basically be an amazing adult.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012


I have a feeling that I'm running into some serious ass-dragging territory.

If you need me, I'll be overdosing on home made mac and cheese, avoiding the gym, calling out of work, starting a new novella, and watching Breaking Bad.

Try to contain your envy, folks.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Mr. and Mrs. Ortiz

One of my oldest and dearest friends, Leah, got married this past weekend to a truly fantastic guy, William.

They met while they were in college, working at Barnes & Noble together, and he had a hopeless crush on her. I was visiting Leah in 2005 when I first met him. My first reaction? "Who is this guy with spiky hair and Simpsons quotes? Doesn't he know she'll eat him alive?" Maybe he did. But he refused to believe it. And lo and behold, 7 years later, they're married. 

So I spent most of last week near Reading, PA at Leah's parent's house getting ready for the big, DIY country chic day.

I cried about 800 times for over a thousand reasons, not the least which was I'm an old sad lady and that's what old sad ladies do at weddings. I think mostly, though, it's that my three closest friends from childhood are all married now to great people who I also consider as my close, personal friends. And they're all either starting or preparing to start families. It's beautiful and awesome and just a little bittersweet, because we're not kids anymore, no matter how much I feel like a kid whenever I'm around them. Ah, the sounds of new pages being turned (and other such sacchrine-sweet sappy nostalgia quotes.)

So, sweet cheers to my newest set of Awesome Married Friends. I'm very much glad that I could celebrate with you and be a part of your turning "me into we." Much love :)

Monday, August 20, 2012


yep. This is one of those things that I'm just silly excited about.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Turning Lemons into DINOSAUR CAKE

So, I had a get together for my birthday on Saturday, and decided I was going to make my own cake for it. You know, since I had so much fun doing it last year, and because I've been on a continual baking binge this year.

Buuuut, one thing went wrong, as with everything I bake, and somehow, even though the cakes themselves weren't burned, they definitely stuck to the greased cake pans. And when I tried to pry them from their aluminum holdings, they broke into many pieces.

womp womp.

I was about to throw the mess into a ziplock bag and just call it "cake bites" and leave it on the counter for dad to eat, when my inner Tim Gunn urged me to just "make it work." So I started positioning the pieces into a island formations. And soon, I had a small cake archipelago, or cake-ipelago. And when we couldn't figure out something blue and edible to use for water (which now that I think about it, I could have used blue sprinkles or m&m's. oh well, next time!), mom suggested I use crushed up cookies and make it a desert. And then I thought I could top it with dinosaurs. And I did. And the results were pretty sweet.

why dinosaurs vs. Union troops? why not, I ask.
Normally, I wouldn't condone the killing of Union Soliders. but... these Dinosaurs are fighting their own War of Northern Aggression.

Civil War hang down

pterodactyls can't fly

I can't tell which cake disaster I'm more pleased with--this or Fort Battle Kitty, the cake I made for Mary's birthday in January, that I somehow didn't blog about.

Her cake started out like this:

icing fail
And ended up like this:

oh no!
Fort Battle Kitty. Sorta surprisingly, icing, cake and pretzels are a fabulous combination. And it was enjoyed by all.

Scotty Approved!

So, cake disaster averted, and from destruction comes creation. And I had an amazing night out at Dogfish Head with friends, delicious food, craft beers, and too many pictures with my new Best Friend:

Introducing Tobias Rexington. It's love.

Alright, now it's back to my exceedingly lazy day of bonding with Breaking Bad. Which means more Aaron Paul and Bryan Cranston. Mmhmm.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Things I Forgot to Blog About

K-Stew and R. Patz

ok, it should come as no surprise to anyone that I a) have a terribly conflicted relationship with gossip rags and tabloid culture; and b) was up until last year a closet-ed Twi-hard (note: while I'm living loud and proud, I'm still super shamed and incredibly self-loathing.)

So in July, I finally got to read Elle's interview with Kristen Stewart and thought, "wow, what a smug bitch" when she expressed desire to have "life fuck me over." And basically, the next week, BAM. 

Way to make out in a public park in Hollywood with a married man who's not your boyfriend when you're one of the most reclusive, followed and stalked Hollywood actresses. Especially just before the final chapter of your career-making franchise is released, and before the deal on your Snow White sequel is inked (not that a sequel was deserved, Snow White and the Huntsman was terrible). Excellent Life Decisions, all around. 

I doubt it'll negatively affect her career, his career, or Breaking Dawn sales (if anything, scandals will just drive up the numbers), but it's always fun to watch celebrities just take a stupid, self-destructive route. And by fun, I mean... well, fun. And expensive. I think I spent $15 on gossip rags at the airport last week. #shame

And I did love John Stewart's approach to the matter on The Daily Show

The Daily Show with Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Robert Pattinson
Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical Humor & Satire BlogThe Daily Show on Facebook

totes adorbs.

I'm Going to Australia!

With the whole #YOLO philosophy, and my Do Things That Scare You resolution, I made a terrifying financial decision and booked my trip down unda' to go see Odie! 

I'm excited to see Odie and hang out in Sydney and drink ginormous beers and see the sky on the other side of the world and being able to hear my favorite accent all time (the Australian one, not the Odie one). Things I'm less excited about: 28 hours of travel, ginormous spiders. Yikes.

December can't get here fast enough!

The Final Season of Teen Mom, thus far

Two more episodes of the original cast of Teen Mom, guys! My hair stylist and I spent the entire time of my hair cut dishing on the mom's on Tuesday, which was only mildly shaming, but hey--birds of a feather. We mostly agreed that we really don't like Farrah. Neither does my mom. Or anyone else that I meet.

My god, there is just nothing redeeming about this person.

blow me
Also, I want to dress up as Amber for Halloween, but I don't know where I can get 15 lbs of fake eye lashes, orange foundation, face be-dazzling, or dragon lady nails. Oh wait, yes I do. I live near Manassas. Yikes.

if this picture were scratch-n-sniff, you'd be enchanted by the aromas of Newport cigarettes and methampethamine 
and Gary? 
I don't think I'm ready for this Jelly

also, also, slightly related, I definitely got sucked in for at least 45 minutes on Jenelle Evan's twitter yesterday. Train wreck city. 

My Never Ending Quest to be Awesome

While paying bills the other day, I accidentally paid $900 on my credit card instead of $100, which effectively left my savings account as limp and flacid as my penis after seeing the above picture of Gary. How did I do this? I don't know. I'm a special kind of special. So now I need to ramp up my non-part-time job search by about a billion.

Additionally, I vowed never to never again pay bills before my morning coffee. 

What have you been doing lately that you've forgotten to blog about?

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

beach birthday bimbo

On Sunday night, my friend asked me if I wanted to take a spontaneous trip to VA beach to see the sunrise and spend the day in the sand. And I was like, yes, absolutely, because I haven't been to the beach in years and I've always wanted to see a sunrise over the ocean, and it was my birthday and you know, #YOLO. So I rolled up to his place at 2:30 AM and we left on our intrepid journey. And there was much merriment and day drinking and dolphin spotting and wave jumping and nap taking and awesome.

And I took about 6,000 pictures.

free towel!

more free towels, a free boogie board and free trash!

VA beach? more like Free Towel Beach

The Dark Knight Rises alternate ending: Batman washes up on the VA beach

beating up the Atlantic Ocean, a la Pete and Pete

free flip flop

Amrrrka, Fuck Yeah

American Apparel shot

yes, that is a bacon infused waffle. Yes, it was delicious.


To the rescue!

wasssup, hard slick?

Ah, nothing like getting beach wasted. I hope this bodes well for the remaining 363 days of Audrey: Year 28.
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