Killing Myself

My super pal Kristin is one of those "good at everything she tries" people. She's a cook, an artist, a fashion designer, an award winning costume maker, a talk you down from the ledge-er and just an all around crazy talented, big hearted woman.

And this is what she does for exercise:

Kristin doing her thang

Aerial Silks! Like fancy circus performers! It's basically performing gymnastics while being wrapped in silk streamers and suspended in the air above a safety mat.

For months now, she's worked on convincing me to come to class with her and try it out. And it did sound like fun, especially since she and three of our friends go to the same class and have a good time coaching each other and trying out new poses. But, knowing the limits to my natural grace and athletic ability and lack of not being accident prone (all those limits are at zero, btw), I politely declined.

With the exceptions of horse back riding, swimming, and competitive napping, I'm not very athletic. I can't walk a big flight of stairs without getting winded. I can't catch or throw. I can't run and kick at the same time. I suck at math. I'm also almost 5'10", have no center of gravity, and haven't been flexible enough to do a sit and reach since I was 5. So, I abstain from anything sporty.

However, the better Kristin got at silks, and the more pics she and Tini and Kate posted of them looking amazing all knotted up and fancy looking, the more intrigued I became. So, curiosity finally got the better of me, and on Wednesday I tagged along to class.

And I knew I would like it when we walked into the gym and a dog greeted us:

Nahla, guardian of the silks

 
After signing a bunch of "I will not sue you" paperwork, we had a warm up that left me sore and aching, and feeling whiter than I've ever felt. And then, I had to learn how to climb. How to climb up silk.

Sheeeeit.

Don't let anyone tell you that shit is easy. I never had to do the "climb the rope" exercise in gym, and I suffer from T-Rex arms syndrome, so this was insanely difficult. After I figured out the foot hold, I made it like, 3 feet off the ground before my arms went spaghetti noodle and I fell off.

victory!

I tried a few tricks, but I kept falling out of the silks, and I couldn't do a tumble (big surprise!). Mostly because I'm a newbie. But mostly, it's because I have no center of balance or upper body strength and I kept rolling to the side. Kristin and Tini, however, climbed up the silks like a couple of  professional badasses, and Kristin conquered a really awesome pose all on her own:

All in all, I had a really fun experience. The teacher was really chill, the ladies were great, and even though I didn't really achieve much, I left wanting to come back again. It's kinda like rock climbing: I like doing it, but I suck at it, and I'd rather not do it when a bunch of badasses are around me, waiting for their turn.

The only thing that sucks though, is the aftermath. As in, how sore I am today, two days later. It's like every single muscle in my body is getting together and screaming at me.

Everyday Things I Can't Do Now Without Crying
-get in and out of cars
-walk
-lift a cup full of coffee
-open envelopes
-bend down
-lift Lucy onto the bed
-cover myself with a blanet
-type
-brush my teeth
-open bottles
-put on pants
-eat a grilled cheese sandwich
-turn the pages in the latest US weekly


I can't remember another time in my life where I've been so sore. Going to work yesterday was the most excruciating experience I've had all year. And to top it all off, I woke up this morning with a sore throat, an upset stomach and now I'm running a baby fever.

this is my body telling me that exercise is bad, guys.