Saturday, July 30, 2011

First Week

Well, I've had a full week at work. Huh-zaaaa.

to celebrate, I'm drinking real fancy like.

ethereal
Addie also made steak fries, steak and fried eggs for dinner. So I'm keeping it like, extra real tonight. And by extra real, I mean, extra fat.

And now: Time to dish about work!

It's weird. Like, really weird. In my interview, I was told I'd be making marketing books and materials and such for this super cool recycling program. And on my first day, my supervisor told me, "You'll mostly be writing proposals and equipment quotes for the salesmen."

what.

But, after three days of doing absolutely nothing--apart from writing a fundraising letter for the sports program of a college I've never heard of (right up my alley!)--I finally have a handful of real writing assignments. And as such, I have reached a new level of skull-ripping boredom in my work. It's a lot of reading and research, because I have no idea how to make the engineering side of eco-cycling sound awesome and sexy. Because people want to fund things that are awesome and sexy. Apparently.


So, enough about that. Let's talk about fun things, like how awesome my socks are:

how awesome? so awesome.
And Fat Pants.

What are Fat Pants? They're any pair of super comfortable, super comforting, and incredibly well loved pants with a draw string waste, no zipper, and (optional) pockets. Fat Pants don't judge. They're not pretty. Or expensive. And most importantly, they're loose fitting, so they don't cling to any exceptionally out of shape body parts or protrusions, so you get the delusional delightful experience of slightly less than low self-esteem. Basically, when you put on the Fat Pants, you're Fat with Awesome.

They're the clothing equivalent of opiates. And just like opiates, Fat Pants Abuse can be detrimental to your health. For instance, if you move to the South and are unemployed for 4 months and you wear nothing but Fat Pants in order to revel in their Fat Pants Awesomeness, you might not realize that you're gaining 15 lbs and you might lose all confidence in everything you used to be good at and start spending your days watching the Hills drinking wine and then wandering around Ingles muttering about the NO CALORIC DIFFERENCE between sugar free and fat free Blue Bunny Ice Cream but oh the sugar free has a prettier carton but I like the idea of fat free better and NO I WON'T BE A SLAVE TO AESTHETICS and damnit MadMen has ruined my life.


this totally happened to someone I know.



I have about 7 pairs of Fat Pants. And as soon as I'm done with my day, the Fat Pants are on. They're mostly old sweat pants I've stolen from Addie, and extra long flannel jammy pants that I've stolen from Dad. When I was a teenager, my Fat Pants were scrubs the that I stole when I was hospitalized, but between Christmas my senior year and Christmas my freshman year, I got too fat for those Fat Pants. Sigh.

I don't have any pictures of me in Fat Pants. Because the bond between my Fat Pants and myself is just too sacred.



aaaaaaand suddenly I'm ridiculously tired. Probably because I'll Makered out. Mmmm.

I'll end with an awesomely adorable picture I found of Lucy:

Luuuuuuucyyyyyy! I miss her.

ABOMINABLE SNOW LUCY!
Also are you watching The League? You should be.

Oh, and Addie inspired a comic that the super talented Will brought to life. It's lolderful.

6 comments:

Mandy said...

Oh man, the getting too fat for your fat pants part really hit home. Why doesn't wine make people skinny? The universe is cruel.

Audrey said...

Yes. Yes it is.

Anonymous said...

yo momma says please God, don't let anyone from Audrey's work read this....

Audrey said...

Let em read it. The boss told me ( via 10 min rant) that "we're a company with no secrets."

Anonymous said...

Yeah. right. I do like the part about fat pants being comforting...

bunnymachine said...

I. Am totally wearing Fat Pants right now. And a Fat Sweater. While sitting on a Fat Couch under a Fat Blanket.

And I'm watching "The Mummy". Biz.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...