Thursday, May 12, 2011

First informal rant

things that bug me

an informal rant

--gushy, over-posty new moms on facebook

I get it. There has been no baby before yours, and there will be none afterwards [until your second {OOPS} comes along] Your baby shits rainbows and spits up cinnamon rolls. And no one ever in the history of the world is as happy or fulfilled or complete as you because you gestated something for 9 months and somehow or another wrenched it out of your uterus.

I'm not saying it's bad to love your kids and to get all kinds of feel-goodery from them, and yes, celebrating major milestones or exceptionally cool/horrific baby experiences is cool. Motherhood is rewarding. But do I really need you to clog my newsfeed with the live status updates on your child's existence? Didn't you just have a new baby? Shouldn't you be like, raising it?

And yes, I know, I am not a "real" mom. However, I know a lot of moms. And I've spent plenty of time with newborns. And puppies. I know how thankless and frustrating the new parent experience can be. Why not occasionally tell it like it is?

--When my food doesn't look like food

I can't eat any animal that resembles it's pre-food shape. I once sent back fried calamari because they were tentacle pieces that looked like they were locked together, holding eachother, begging for life before being dipped in the fryer. 

Also, food with a face. I can't eat pork from a pig roast. I can't eat lobster or crab straight from the shell. It's too disturbing to look it in the eyes. 

So my pizza tonight was sad:

pizza faaaace
In case you missed it, here it is again:

It looks like Spunky from Rocko's Modern Life 

I still haven't brought myself to eat it. AND PIZZA IS SO DELICIOUS. This is very sad.

--Sappy "Over the Bed" decals

There are some awesome wall decals out there:

Then, there's this weird romantic sayings over the bed crap:

To me, it's creepy that anyone would decal this up on their walls. But especially over their bed. It would remind me too much of living in a sappy rom-com.

If I had an over-the-bed decal, it'd be something like this:

just keeping it real.
But then again, I'm the one who thinks it's cool to hang a giant squid decal ANYWHERE in the house. So go figure.

-- How un-healthy my ideal diet is

Ok, seriously. How awesome are narcotic pain killers?

      So awesome that I look forward to my blinding, paralyzing menstrual cramps just to take a few again. (legally prescribed, beeteedub, no cops plz)

And how awesome is havarti cheese?

      So awesome, that it's the most awesome of all the soft cheese.

And can we talk about pairing it with crunch French loaf bread?

      So. Awesome.

Yeah. combine narco pain killers, havarti cheese n bread (and maybe some trash TV or a gossip rag) and I'm all

snuggly puppy, baby

I wish there was a way to enjoy this every night without becoming a) a drug addict, and b) 500 lbs. *sigh

-- $4 bottles of wine that taste more amazing than the $40 bottles I just bought

Thanks, Walgreens, for making my budget look bad.

--blogging when I have nothing to blog about

proof is in the post, guys.

UPDATE: I ate pizza face. it was delicious.


Mandy said...

Two things:

1. Do you read STFU Parents? If not, I think you should.

2. I also hate those wall decals. I also hate picture frames with words. So annoying and stupid.

Kim said...

ohhh little baby wooosy....

George Panagakos said...

Poor Spunky Man, my sister and I used to play this really ghetto Rocko's Modern Life video game on the SNES. It was so horrible, like it was trying to be the Lion King but failed. I could swing off those monkeys and bounce off giraffe heads in the Lion King forever. Ah, misguided youth.

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