Thursday, January 24, 2013




Bright, clear, bitterly cold morning at a busy suburban intersection. It is rush hour, cars are everywhere.


AUDGE PODGE, twenty-something girl with noticeably bad hair waits at a stopped traffic light. She is bundled up against the cold, breath visible as she rubs her hands together for warmth. She is listening to a recording of John Mulaney stand-up.

                                                                     AUDGE PODGE (v.o.)
                                   fffffffffffffffffffffffff it's cold why isn't the heater working
                                   it's been on for twenty minutes and the air is still luke warm
                                   I can't afford to take it to the shop AGAIN why does everything
                                   I buy always break I should just get a new car But no I don't want
                                   to make payments again FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF it's so damn cold
                                   I hate going to work this light is always way too long why am I
                                   always so full of hate in the morn--OH I LOVE THIS BIT

                  AUDGE PODGE turns up volume, laughs to herself, rubs hands together again.

                                                                    AUDGE PODGE
                                    Oh, snap! I actually have gloves!
                AUDGE PODGE digs through purse, removing items such as a sandwich in a
                ziplock bag, Kindle, hair brush, phone, paperback Starwars book, before locating
                a pair of bright red cotton gloves.

                                                                    AUDGE PODGE (v.o.)
                                      I love red gloves too bad my coat is purple I need a long black
                                      wool duster with a fitted waist and maybe a military style collar
                                      no I always end up hating those I guess I'd be happiest with a
                                      double breasted collar that converts

               AUDGE PODGE puts on left glove
                                                                    AUDGE PODGE (cont.)
                                      to a military collar and I could like snap it over on the side
                                      if I were feeling fancy and then I could get delicate red
                                      leather gloves that end just at my wrist oh damn that'd look
                                      so fucking cool
               AUDGE PODGE puts on right glove
                                                                   AUDGE PODGE (cont.)
                                       eugh what's that--
              AUDGE PODGE shifts hand around in glove. Small, black SPACE INVADING SPIDER 
              shoots out, over wrist, runs up jacket sleeve.

                                                                  AUDGE PODGE
                                      AGHHHHH NO FUCK FUCK FUCK!
                                     (followed by loud stream of indecipherable swears and curses,
                                     shrieks and wails)
              AUDGE PODGE with lightening fast speed, ripping off glove and screaming,
              cutting her hand with her nail in the process. She is frantically squirming
              against her seat belt, desperately trying to get out of her coat.

COMMUTER, older man with a mustache, listening to Elliot in the Morning (probably) glances to his right. Look of shock crosses his face when he sees AUDGE PODGE violently thrashing and wailing in her car.                                    

                                                               AUDGE PODGE
                                        AGGHHHHH GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT
                                        FUUUCKKKK AGHHHH!!!

AUDGE PODGE finally escapes her coat and is beating her right forearm as she knocks her foot off the clutch and stalls out, her car jerking back and forth and making the sound of a dying Transformer. Stalling car brings AUDGE PODGE back to reality. The stand up recording plays as she looks down at her sweater and scowls, shudders. She looks to the light to see it has turned green. She re-starts the car and moves forward.

                                                               AUDGE PODGE (breathing heavily)
                                            Goddamnit, Wednesday.

Euuughhhhhhhh. I'm still shuddering. What a terrible way to wake up. Also, I never found that spider.

I'll let you know in a few weeks when/if I errupt in spider babies.

Spider: 1
Audrey: 0

1 comment:

Kim said...

At least you didn't wet your pants. At least you have a stable bladder.

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