Tuesday, March 25, 2014

The day of annoying things

Most days, I'm Jeff Spicoli.

Most days, I can deal with the things that bug me with a modicum of eye-rolling and some distraction. 

But then, there are other days. Stupid Life Days, where from the moment I wake up, every decision and action is just excruciating. Like, the fact that I had to get out of bed and go downstairs to make coffee was approached with the same agony and fury that I imagine I'd feel if someone was forcing me to drown a baby goat. 

Yesterday was one of those days. By 9 AM, I realized I was having an above average amount of annoyances. So much, that I decided to list them out. To take away their power? Possibly. But more to just commiserate and spread my First World Disease as far as possible. So, this is by no means a complete list, as my brain is an irrational tangent factory, but here's the most of what I could gather:

Shit That Annoyed Me Yesterday
  • Facebook 
  • that it takes 7 whole seconds for the Keurig to warm up
  • that I don't have a shower machine that automatically cleans/dries/styles me
  • when the rim of my to-go coffee cup doesn't match up exactly with the cup
  • that the eye liner on one eye ALWAYS looks better than the other
  • that car in front of me with the GIRL POWER! bumper sticker
  • my weirdly placed guilt of being angry about a GIRL POWER! bumper sticker
  • my even more weirdly placed guilt about being angry about new feminism and girl's toys and the GIRL POWER! messgage
  • morning traffic on my 15 minute drive
  • that I have dual monitors but I can't have a different Excel sheet open on each screen
  • excel sheets printing out stupidly even though I chose the best settings
  • that Joel is on the other side of the world, not waiting at home with a box of doughnuts
  • co-workers who smoke from a pipe
  • co-workers who smoke from a pipe and then sit in my office to talk to me 
  • people noticing my hair cut
  • people not noticing my hair cut
  • being bcc'd on an email about a proposal I'm managing
  • that Reese Eggs aren't the size of my face
  • I walk into the bathroom at the same time as someone else, all 4 stalls are empty. I choose the first stall, they choose the stall right next to me, and let out an explosive poo. WHAT HAPPENED TO BUFFER STALLS?
  •  3 hours later, going into the same bathroom, and it still smells like poo.
  • co-workers who mean well, but just constantly fuck up
  • getting Shakira's Hips Don't Lie stuck in my head. 
  • spending 2 and a half days preparing for a meeting that everyone insisted was SO IMPORTANT, only to have no one show up.
  • a million different kinds of professional demoralization
  • Instagram not loading
  • finding old lipstick on a coffee mug half way through finishing a cup of coffee out of said mug
  • file paths that require 8 years of clicking through files
  • the gross images and sounds that are conjured after hearing the term "tongue punching the fart box"
  • that crunchy thing I ate in a meal that's not supposed to have crunchy things in it
  • getting into a fight with the Tech Support guy over an issue that wasn't really an issue because my boss purposely deleted the file and forgot to tell me
  • inserting/editing text in a PDF using Nitro
  • people who see I'm on my way out the door but stop to drag me into a 15 minute conversation
  • chairs that are slightly too high and tables that aren slightly too short and I have to sit at a weird side angle or squeeze my legs against the bottom of the table
  • the fact that my warmest, coziest, most un-failingly perfect and amazing slipper boots have disappeared since I moved home
  • unquenchable need to wear slipper boots
  • that Target only sells comfy slipper boots in the winter
  • that only after I get home do I remember that DSW is right beside Target and DSW sells comfy slipper boots
  • awesome sweat pants that are just too short
  • the god-damn cable box STILL NOT WORKING
  • when curling up in a cozy bed and watching trash TV while wearing my wolfy/bear hat just doesn't have the same magic anymore because my room is trash hole of donation boxes and Go To Storage boxes because some days you just don't have time to do everything and sometimes those days turn into weeks and damnit, I just want to clean my room.
  • realizing that I'm PMSing and that's why I'm Captain Grumpy Pants, but I've had my painful period all month thanks to endometriosis and Western Medicine so this is basically my life now.

Today's been kinda better. It's snowing, at least. Just not enough to let us go home early. 

Oh, whatever. I'll just add it to the list.

Here's to a better rest of the week!

*Ps. I think getting Hips Don't Lie stuck in my head was the very worst thing about yesterday. It's still there. It's never leaving. 

Shakira, Shakira Shakira.


Chris Jones said...

"Tongue punching the fart box"... spectacular imagery that will likely scar me for life... I bet Shakira has a fantastic "fart box"!

Anonymous said...

Soon, I will give you all the doughnuts I haven't been able to. You will be my princess of icing.

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