Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Cold Stone Shamery

Earlier today, at Cold Stone Creamery on Sudley Road:

Cold Stone Girl: Oh, the dark chocolate is so good, isn't it?
Kate: yeah, it's really good.
CSG: I don't even suggest toppings. Get it by itself, it's worth it.
Kate: oh, I can see that. I don't think I'd get anything but strawberries or something.
CSG: um, no, that's still a topping. Don't ruin it with toppings.

Audrey and Kate exchange concerned looks #1--is she trying to joke?

Audrey: Can I have a sample of the graham cracker flavor?
CSG: sure!
[Audrey eats; yogurt is terrible]
Audrey: Oh, it's yogurt.
CSG: you'd be surprised how many people come in here asking "do you have ice cream here?"
Audrey [sensing sarcasm, plays along]: oh, like, "I see this is a creamery but do you have ice cream?"
CSG: yeah, I just point at all this ice cream and say anything that's not a yogurt is an ice cream. And then the really stupid questions come in like, do you guys make milkshakes?
[sweeping gesture to the menu behind her]
like, no we just have these blenders for nothing, stupid. God, work here for a year and you just start to hate people. I don't even answer questions anymore, I just point to the board.

Audrey and Kate exchange concerned looks #2--That's really candid, un-precedented talk for a server to have with customers. Is she joking? Do we know her?

Audrey: ok, well... I'm going to get a small--sorry, like it strawberry banana smoo--
CSG: oh... [gravely serious] The smoothies here are terrible.
Kate: um, really?
CSG: yeah, they're just really awful. Not even sweet.
Audrey: oh.
Kate: well what about the strawberry one?
CSG: no, it's gross, trust me. Wouldn't you rather I be honest with you?

Audrey and Kate exchange concerned looks #3--is she serious?

Audrey and Kate: um, well, I guess.
CSG: Don't get a smoothie. It's a waste of money. The ice cream is so much better.
Kate: Ok, well, we still have to get Komal a smoothie, so can we get a--
CSG: who's Komal, like your boyfriend or something?
Kate: no, she's our co-worker.
Audrey: we said we'd get her a smoothie, so we'll still get hers.
CSG: oh, what are you guys like, lawyers or something?
Kate: no... we work down the street at a contractor.
CSG: oh. [rolls eyes]

Audrey and Kate exchange concerned looks #4--does she actually work here?

Kate: We decided we'd all start eating smoothies to be healthier.
CSG: So you came to Cold Stone?
[Audrey and Kate mumble, becoming increasingly uncomfortable]
Kate: But... I guess I'll just have a like it of sweet cream and cookie dough.
CSG: [rolls ice cream] oh my god, this is so many calories.
Kate: So they taste really bad?
CSG: Yea, I guess the pineapple isn't *so* bad, but that's because I like pineapple. But the strawberry is just... [shudders dramatically]
Kate: Ohhhh. Is it made with real fruit or is it just mix?
CSG: Oh no, everything is made with real fruit. It just tastes weird.
[Kate fights back tears of regret for not getting the real fruit smoothie] [blender starts]

Audrey and Kate exchange concerned looks #5--seriously, wtf.

CSG: so is it sticky outside?
Kate: Pardon?
CSG: Outside, is it sticky outside? It looks sticky.
Kate: No, it's really pleasant.
CSG: It looks sticky.

Audrey and Kate exchange concerned looks #5--I think she's going to poison our food.

Audrey: I'll have a like it cake batter ice cream milkshake with peanut butter.
CSG: [look stunned] what made you come up with that concoction?
Audrey: uh... I used to get it all the time. When you had peanut butter ice cream, I'd get PB ice cream with walnuts, oreos and whipped cream.
CSG: we had peanut butter ice cream?
Audrey: yeah... [rapidly aging] years ago.
CSG: I guess I just don't like sweets or peanut butter so I don't understand why people put it in their ice cream.

Audrey and Kate exchange concerned looks #6--I hate my life.

Audrey: well, I guess it helps working here if you don't like ice cream.
CSG: yeah, I don't eat it so I'm not going to get fat while I work here [CSG is visibly overweight]. Or get diabetes. [hands Audrey her milkshake, as well as the remains of the milkshake in a small cup]. I don't even like this job. I don't know why I work here. [she actually said this]

Audrey and Kate exchange concerned looks #7--what?! Why were we listening to you?

[Audrey and Kate wait at the register, dead inside.]
CSG: [looking at both of them and pointing at their shirts] oh my god, are those sweaters? Are you guys wearing sweaters?
Both: um, yes...
Audrey: This is a sweater.
CSG: Isn't it like, 80* outside?
Kate: No, it's pleasant...
Audrey [needlessly explanatory]: I'm always in a sweater.
CSG: Well, I guess if it's pleasant outside I can't call you crazy. But if it were 80* I'd call you crazy.
Audrey: um ok.
CSG: here's your receipt, have a nice day!

[Kate and Audrey Exit]

Simulatenously: what the fuck was that.

Audrey: did you even catch her name?
Kate: Yeah. Bitch Tits.


On the drive back to the office, we discussed why we let this Cold Stone Cunt talk to us the way she did. And we couldn't come up with anything. It was just one of those "wow, I couldn't have written a better scene. This was literally the exact opposite of the experience I was setting out for." Everything she said was in such a deadpan tone that I couldn't tell if she was trying to be sarcastic and failing, or if she really was just a bitch. And in a way, she was such a bitch that I'm still laughing about it... even as I pen a scathing letter to her manager.

Not even going to deny that my milkshake was thick and rich with delicious flavor and fat, fat shame, and that I came back to the office and immediately finished both cups. So I might be sitting here with a stomach ache that would cripple an elephant, and whatever, Cold Stone Girl. I'm not going to feel bad about it. In fact, I'm going to sit at my job as a "lawyer or something" and I'm going to blog about this even though that's totally not what I'm paid to do because I have an office job so I don't have to scoop ice cream for a living. So take that.

#dignity

Also, check out what inspired us to get smoothies in the first place at Kate's awesome blog: http://skillseekerstory.blogspot.com/2013/04/things-foods-do-we-love.html!

3 comments:

Kim said...

OMG SO FUNNY!!! I LAUGHED AND LAUGHED. I CAN'T WAIT FOR DAD TO READ THIS!!!!

Roxana said...

Wow, that was funny!! I once went to the bank and the teller counted the money like three times saying to me " I'm sorry, I'm not really good at math" - I just smiled and thought to myself " I don't think you shouldn't be saying that while you are at work"

Audrey Turner said...

Haha, math... that's an important skill for a bank teller to have.

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