First 4,000 views!

I'm over 4,000 views! That's spectacular.

I love this blog. And I have the best, sexiest, savviest, winningest readers, ever.

It's a good thing.

thank you, Martha.

And Beyonce's pregnant? That's also spectacular.

Spectacular Mondays all around.

Edited: Mrs. Daniel Shaffer of Bryan, Ohio is our celebrated 4,000th viewer.

And now for your prize! The Illustrated Version of You and Mark Whalberg Getting It On:

*censored by the government*

First Fall Sightings

It's the last Sunday in August, and I just wore a sweater on my walk with Addie and Dog. Sweater weather, coupled with the first turning leaves of the season, has made me feel about 850% better about everything. 

So huzzah to the beginning of fall! And thanks to Hurricane Irene, we had the most beautiful weekend. Sunny, breezy, 60*, all in all the perfect weekend for me to stay huddled in our underground cellar pretending it was raining so I'd have an excuse to get real work done.

And it kinda sorta worked! I was productive on my book, started a new story, thought really hard about how to end another story, and vaguely thought about re-tooling my statement of purpose. I also knit 2 feet into my scarf, hand washed my delicates and put together my Trader Joe's Tissue Box Holder. Oh and made pollo asada taco's.

BEHOLD I AM WRITORIA DOMESTICA, GODDESS OF HEARTH AND WORD.

Basically, t'was a weekend of awesome. Documented here in pictures:


Friday:

I wandered through the Goodwill next door to our house and found these BRAND NEW HOUSE BOOTS! They were hard soled, shearling lined and still had the store tag on them! Bonus!

And when I got home, I tried the right one on and noticed my foot was crammed in. "Huh, that's the smallest size 9 ever," I thought to myself. Then I tried the left one on and noticed it was, in fact, also a right foot boot. Perplexed, I turned them over:

Yes, one is a 6.5, and the other is a 9. Both Left Feet. Being someone who only admits to having two left feet when I'm sober on the dance floor, I returned them. Yes, it felt sleazy to return shoes to Goodwill. But not as sleazy as it felt to actually buy shoes from Goodwill.

Then, there was wine and Oz and games of Rook and quality time with Dog:

don't let that face fool you, he's thrilled to hang out with me

Saturday:

I was terrorized by a spider cricket who stayed in ONE spot on the ceiling for the entire day. I spent 7 hours in readied alert status, waiting for it to attack me. (seriously, spider crickets are my kryptonite. I come un-glued. Thankfully Addie came home and killed it for me. thereby setting the women's movement back 5 years.)

AGHHH I HATE SPIDER CRICKETS

So after the spider cricket sighting, I soothed myself with the last piece of Awesome Audrey Cobbler and the World's Best Kona Coffee latte.

so damn good.

The rest of the day was devoted to loafing, writing, loafing, and eventually working out too hard on the wii.

Saturday's are exhausting.

Sunday:
I woke up earlier than planned, and had excellent Life Conversations with my high school hetero life-mate:

dat wit n sparkle. be jealous.

And after a highly productive Afternoon of Domestic, Professional and Trashy TV accomplishments, I accepted the fact that it would never rain, so took I took Bart out so we could revel in the wonder that is Nature and the beauty of a fading Summer:

Bart's Splendor in the grass

 

Shelby has the prettiest trees on her property.

First Fall leaves! So excited!

Well, actually... I took in the glory of Nature and the beauty that is a Fading summer. Bart mostly concentrated on the glory of his wiener and the beauty of a persistent crotch itch:

typical.

And then there was BART FORT! where I cover Bart in pillows and blankets til he gets so frustrated that he barks and gets all worked up. But most of the time he just gives up and falls asleep under the pile, which isn't nearly as fun, and therefore beating me at my own game. He's wiley.

Oh Bart.

Dude. It's going to be fall soon.

And I feel like it's going to be a good one.

Shit yeah.

First Moment of Sophistication

Our wine rack has started to gather dust!

Keeping expensive wine around long enough for it to get dusty makes me feel better about not being an alcoholic maybe one day becoming a wine collector. Also, dusty wine bottles just look really cool.

And it makes marking my bottles that much easier:

hooray weekend!

First Desserts and Defensive Driving

There's been a renewed interest in Desserts here at Year of Firsts.

Yes, this is in direct correlation with the "Eat Better and Exercise" Routine I've been forcing on myself. And by forcing, I mean, writing it on my schedule and getting really irritated with myself when I'm on my second cheese sandwich at midnight and realized I haven't done it. Healthy lifestyle champion.

But Monday night I was doing some Wii Yoga, and Addie joined in, trying to beat my scores. I guess, even though I bought the Wii Fit from him a few years ago, that he'd never tried all the different exercises on it. And now he's hooked on them. So now my competitive side is sent into overdrive when I see him using it, which makes me exercise, which is a good thing. So yay! But then, I jogged for 20 minutes tonight and my legs are already screaming at me, and my butt, stomach and sides hurt from my lack of tone jiggling everywhere. so sexy.

Anywho, back to delicious desserts.

Yesterday I tried Deep Fried Oreo's for the first time. It quickly launched itself to the top of my list of Favorite Things Ever.

Holy Bahjesus.

An oreo, dipped in funnel cake batter, and then deep fried. The oreo gets soft, the batter gets slightly crispy, it's hot and powder sugary and not gooey at all. It's goddamn perfection.

I'm so glad I have no idea how to deep fry things, because these would be a regular side dish with every meal. So serious on that one. I will eat them until I am sweating Oreo chocolate. Until I go blind from Diabetic coma. Until my skin takes on the golden delicate texture of the funnel cake shell. Basically until I look like this:

Mmm Hmm

And it's also good to note that I had the Best Baklahva of My Life today. My supervisor took me to a nifty little Greek restaurant (the only one in town, as far as I know) and I tried the falafel sandwich (so good. and falafel always reminds me of my time in Paris. also, so good.) and I grabbed a perfect piece of baklava--not too sticky or flaky, with tasty fresh pistachios. And it was bite sized, which was cool. 

In fact, they had a whole case full of tasty looking cookies and treats. All of which I will try. I am determined.

deserts on left, unknown--non falafel--sandwich on right

Further good notage would be to point out the kick ass mural in the restaurant.

So far, talking Addie into an orange and black camel mural in our bedroom has been unsuccessful. Will continue to pursue. I am determined.

Oh, and I had my Badly Named Defensive Driver class today...

ughhhhhhh kill me, billy. It was like I was 16 and sitting in driver's ed again.

"Follow the 3 second rule... or you will KILL YOURSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE ON THE ROAD..."

"Driving while impaired or distracted will cause you to KILL YOURSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE ON THE ROAD..."

"Always wear your seat belt or you will KILL YOURSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE ON THE ROAD..."

"Always follow the speed limit. It's illegal to speed. And speeding will cause you to KILL YOURSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE ON THE ROAD..."

At least it was only 3.5 hours (we got let out early for good behavior), and the teacher looked like Richard Gere with a southern accent. So that was... neat.

sup, teach?

And why is it that Driver's Safety or Driver's Ed teachers always personally know someone who was horrifically mangled or killed in a terrible, unfortunate car accident? I have officially made a mental note to myself not to befriend any Driver's Safety or Driver's Ed teachers.

Even if they look like this:

young Richard Gere=I'd Totally Hit That

First Earth Quake (non metaphorical)

So I'm at work, you know working, when I feel/hear the building rumbling. This is pretty normal, considering I work in an old brick building downtown off of Main Street, and every time a freight truck drives through, our building shakes. No big deal.

But after a few minutes, I realized the shaking felt different. Like, we were bouncing sideways, not shaking up and down. And everything in the room was doing the shimmy shimmy. It felt like I was on a boat in rough water, like my balance was off. But I was sitting. It was really weird.

A second later, I hear my boss call down from the hall to say "Does anyone else feel that?" and the sales guy in the next office says "yeah, that's a tremor. Just an earthquake." (sales guy is from California).

My first reaction: OMG EARTH QUAKE APOCALYPSE.

END OF DAAAAAAYS

I instantly turned into a 5 year old who's scared of thunder in a thunderstorm; rapid heart beat and panicky feelings and excited jibbering trying to take my mind off the HOLY EARTHQUAKE OF DOOM. But about a minute after it started, it was over. And the after shocks were completely subtle, and might have even just been me vibrating with nerves.

And I definitely spent the next two hours in minor freak out mode. Like, I knew there was (likely) nothing to worry about, but the fact that there were quakes in Colorado the night before, and that my friends in Jersey and Boston were telling me they felt it, too; I was, to say the least... unsettled.

So, yeah. My very first earth quake. Neat! I need this t-shirt, totally:

I had texted Addie during my great ordeal, but he said he and Dog hadn't noticed that anything happened.

However, I noticed Dog has remained braced for impact since I've been home:

Prepared Dog is Prepared.

Speaking of earth quake prepardness, my first instinct during the earthquake was to text everyone saying "ZOMG I'M IN AN EARTHQUAKE!", not get under the desk or get out of the building.
And then I leaped onto Facebook to let everyone know I survived instead of checking the Geological sites or the News for any condition updates.

I'd never survive a natural disaster on my own.

Probably not ever.

Hm.

First Alarming Realizations of Adulthood

--airing up my tires all by myself. I even used the little gauge thing

--saying "Oh I'll bring a cobbler!" and then going into massive detail on comparing cobbler techniques


--discussing marriage and babies when I suddenly realized, half my friends are engaged or married

--proudly dispensing income tax and health insurance advice far too long before my "Don't Be a Nerd" alarm went off


on the bright side though, I definitely might have ran away from a half-dead spider cricket that was behind the toilet. I might have even given out a slight shriek as I leaped, in blind fear, straight into the door jam.

Proof that I will never be a fully functional adult.

It's Sunday

me: Dammnit, why isn't there a $10, basic copy of Beauty and the Beast on DVD?

addie: Here it is on blu-ray. Why don't you just get it on blu-ray? I mean, animation is really good on blu-ray.

me: But then I'd only be able to watch it on your TV. So you'd have to watch it with me all the time.

addie: ...and?



My boyfriend. A Man of Men.

First Solo Saturday

Addie's been at work all day, which means I've had a morning of uninterrupted writing time. It's been glorrrrrrious.


pots of coffee made before I realized I wasn't putting enough beans into the grinder: 2

cups of good coffee consumed: 3

number of times I've had to re-load the latest episode of Teen Mom because mtv.com is the shittiest website ever: 42

number of times I've screamed obscenities at the computer because Teen Mom slowed down or became interrupted: 60

pieces of birthday cake eaten: 3

times I rearranged the desk: 2

day dreams of giving up writing and becoming a stay at home girlfriend or hotel maid or bowling alley clerk or Tim Gunn: 16

number of cartoons drawn instead of writing: 4


words written: 2,106, plus 2 pages of hand written notes

woo, Saturday!

First Dog Photo Shoot

I don't really have much to blog about, apart from the plague I think I might be coming down with, so here's a Puppy Photo Phoot!

old timey Bart

 

sepia Bart

black n white Bart

happy Bart

Smug Bart

And in her first appearance at Year of Firsts, Shelby's dog Lilly!

Pretty Lilly

Pin-Up Lilly

Hipster Lilly

Lilly as the Predator would see her

Drunk n Surly Lilly







Have a good night guys! I'm off to wallow in sickness. And by that I mean, wallow in tea and books.

First Round Against the Man

I fought the law, and the law... came to an open and understanding compromise with me: take a driving class and they'll scratch the ticket.

It's more expensive, but a one time payment is better than my insurance going up over $100 every month. So I'm really excited, because I was close to reckless speeding, and now it won't go on my record. And because the cop did something wrong on my citation, I only have to take a 4 hour class, not an 8 hour class. Victory! Compromise!  

the first thing that came up when I googled Victory

I have to slum it up at the local community college next week for my Sit in a Room for 4 Hours as Punishment for Breaking the Law class, otherwise known as THE DEFENSIVE DRIVERS COURSE; which, makes me think I'll be learning super Ninja driving skills, like high speed doughnut turns and air jumps. Alas, like all college courses, it has a totally mis-leading name. I really hope these people are also signed up:

oh, if only.

{so I'm eavesdropping on Addie talking to his friend about his job, and I hear "Yeah, it's awesome, I get to wear an apron!" haha, awww.} 

I had to go the ol' CC to sign up for the class, and when I saw people with horribly bitter, depressed looks on their faces carrying loads of books to their cars parked 5 miles away, it only increased my longing for school. Then when I got home, my information packet from the University of Baltimore came in, and I discovered that their program doesn't require GRE scores. And it's a ranked program! Score, another school that won't accept me! It makes me wish I didn't dick around my first two years at Mason. Oh well, but that's an entirely different blog all together.

Anywho, Addie's making pork chops and rice and I've gotta go make fun of him for getting all weepy from the raw onions. Even if I will be making fun of him from the next room, because I'm ridiculously intolerant of raw onion fumes.

First Post for My Dad

Dear Dad,

Today I:

-woke up when my alarm went off
-showered, dressed professionally, ate a healthy breakfast, brushed my teeth, and made it to work on time
-worked fruitfully and productively for 6 hours, and only engaging in a minimal amount of on-the-clock-facebookery
-was responsible and cut my shaggy, hippie mane into something chic and manageable.

(forgive the Turner Under Eye Bags and cheese-eating grin, Dad, but here, I look just like you in a wig and a dress)

After work, I came home to:

-do (and finish) my laundry
-pay all my bills (on time)

-do my Wii Yoga; proved that I finally memorized the Sun Salutation (it's like double posting, or writing in active voice--something simple that took me forever to learn, but once I get it, I get it forever)
-read a few chapters in one of my many birthday books
-sketch a design of a wedding dress I came up with in a dream
-draw this picture of you, riding a rocket propelled, racing stripe graffitied sheep while wearing a top hat, monocle, and "Law Enforcement Cheetah" short shorts

if audio were attached, it'd be Kiss' "Wanna Rock n Roll All Night." NO STAIR WAY?! DENIED!

-eat a special dinner that made me happy and left me satisfied; even if that dinner was birthday cake. ("Eggs. Eggs are in chocolate cake! And milk! And wheat! That's Nutrition!")
-write a letter to my local news paper on Area Man's Monthly Seige Against His Own Lawn

And finally, enjoy a libation or two, because I've taken care of everything that needs taken care of, and because it's relaxin' time, and that's the best time to un-wind.

See, nothing to worry about :-) I hope that when you apply to PhD programs, you print out the above picture and paste it to the cover of your CV. It'll get you in like Flynn.

Muchos gracias de nada amore,

Auds

First Paycheck

Oh sweet Jeebus.

I love it when you literally use your last dimes on $5 of gas just to make it to work, but when you leave the office for the day, you have a sweet month's worth of pay in your hands. I'm all:

But then I remember I have to come home and pay a plethora of bills, and I'm all:

Also, my boss told me today that my glasses are "ugly" and that I'll "never find a husband if I'm wearin' those." And then he laughed like he was the funniest person in the world.

I mean. Really. Who wouldn't want to get with this:

waddup

It's like on The Office when Michael called Pam an ugly scientist. Except less charming. You know, because it was happening to me. Ha. In fact, when thinking of my boss, it's helpful to imagine Michael Scott. Now imagine him in his 60's, with military training. And instead of wanting everyone to be his friend, he wants everyone to be his bitch. And that's my boss.

But then he does things like gives me $20 for movie tickets and always buys lunch and lets me basically work whenever I want and doesn't fuss at me otherwise. So yeah. I don't know. It's awkward.


also, this came up when I googled "Let's Go Crazy Broadway Style"

Also awkward.

hooray, Monday!

First Aging Weekend

So this weekend kicked some serious hind-parts.

Friday, my boss gave me $20 to go see Rise of the Planet of the Apes, which was as good as I'd hoped it'd be. Then we came home and it was present time! Addie bought me all sorts of tasty birthday treats: A&W rootbeer for rootbeer floats, Ben & Jerry's strawberry cheesecake ice cream, Krispy Kreme junior Cruellers, beer, wine and a chicken devan dinner!

seriously, best meal ever.

And then he gave me my awesome present: movies!

2/3 of my iPod is filled with movies and TV shows. I'd rather listen to them on the road than listen to music, that's just the way I roll. Probably comes from being raised on audio books and tape recordings of movies while we were on 14 hour car rides to visit family. ANYWHO. Addie took some of my favorite movies and played them on mute, with the subtitles on. Then he recorded himself reading the subtitles and closed captions in funny voices with great Addie side commentary. This way I can have more movies on my iPod! And because they're movies that Addie basically hates, all the voices have this awesome sarcastic bend, which makes them hysterical. I love them.

Then we had our Bourbon and Games Buffet, which lasted til way early in the morning and caused me to wake up on my birthday morning with an un-fantastic hangover.

Part 1

I can't believe I used to drink Wild Turkey 101 like it was water. ugh.

But good times were had by all :)


So I slept til 3 in the afternoon, went to Best Buy where I bought a new DVD player, which was an exciting experience in this day and age.

So I ventured to the dark dusty corner where the DVD players are stored, picked out the best one, got  two more seasons of the Simpsons (THEY WERE ON SALE!) and the new Robot Chicken Star Wars, and left a very happy camper. But the best part of all, I took my 5 year old LG phone, and they were able to transfer the old pictures off of it! I now have all my baby Lucy pictures! :D

Our first picture!

By then, the hangover curse was causing me all kinds of nastiness so we went home. But not before stopping at Hardee's for a spicy chicken sandwich! Seriously, a Hardee's spicy chicken sandwich is a $1.50 and it's the best damn sandwich is the entire world. For real.

So I took some pain meds, Addie set up the new DVD player, and I got started on my fancy new cake. But I wasn't up for making Mandy's Awesome Cake (hooray hangover laziness!), so I settled on a food network recipe. Dude, making cakes and icing from scratch is so much fun! I love baking. It's totally cool.

oops...

Solution: Stuff with Krispy Kreme Crueller!

success!

butter cream frosting: shit yeah.

take that, cake boss!

 The cake was a total success. And the odd part is, is that it tastes like doughnuts and pancakes. Which means it's 1000% more rich and sweet than regular cakes. It's basically Danger Cake. Mmm, Danger Cake.

So then we went to the Black Rose Pub and carefully used every last dollar bill we had to engage in surly wait staff, fine eating and $4 long islands. Mike's on Main St was also having their Saturday Night Sock Hop, so we got our drink on while watching old people do the twist to Elvis music. It was a really tasty fun evening filled with laughs and good conversation. Then we came home and watched Your Highness. And it was 150% less funny and awesome as I thought it would be. But still, it was a high quality evening, indeed.

And I was completely spoiled with presents and cards. It was really a mind blowing Best Birthday Week Ever.

loot!

And now, it is time to watch the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo movies, and eat the rest of the chicken devan. MmmMmm.

Hope everyone's weekend was as awesome as mine! :D